Do You Need To Be Loved? Or, Love To Be Needed

Do You Need To Be Loved? Or, Love To Be Needed

I want to:
I'm sure you have heard couple's of all ages say to each other "I love you."
You would probably like hearing it said to you, if it's not already. Sometimes when one person says "I love you" to another person, the response is "me too." I find that an absurd response. What does it mean? That I love me too? A more appropriate response would be "I love you too" and even that isn't terribly poignant. It's kind of like someone asking "how are you" and you say "fine." It's automatic and somewhat meaningless. If someone significant in your life says to you "I love you" a good response is "to hear you say that makes me feel wonderful" or "I believe you and when I hear you say that I feel so good."

What makes matters worse is that our culture uses the word "love" extremely loosely.
We love that movie and we love that car and we love that restaurant and we love that song and we love that book and we love that place and we love that pair of jeans or that shirt or that dress or those pair of shoes......We're just so filled with love!! And yet we have the arrogance to think that we can actually make love! Love, like money, is not made, it is earned. The only place that makes money is the United States Mint. Everyone else earns it (or steals it which requires some effort, so it's working for it).

We really only have that one word to convey something which is more than a feeling; love is more like a state of being - as in "being in love." You can tell a spouse that you care for them, trust them, respect them, need them, want them...you could even tell them you would do anything for them, even die for them, and they won't perk up until you say you love them. It's as if the word "love" is a drug and unless we hear that word spoken to us, we continue to crave it. Nothing else will do. Traditionally, there are three types of love: Eros which is erotic love, Phileos which is brotherly love and Agape which is spiritual love. In modern America, all we have is love. And, although the popular Beatles song "all you need is love" may be true, we need to uplift love from its mundane, overused, misunderstood place in our culture to a recognition of its true stature.

Too often, when a person says "I love you" what they really want to hear in response is the same thing. They are actually saying "I want to hear you say you love me so I'm going to say I love you." And then you are supposed to say "I love you too." Or, the ridiculous "me too." The phrase "I love you" though, is generally not true. It would be more honest to say "I like you a lot" or "I feel very compatible with you" or "I feel very comfortable with you." However, a much more honest replacement statement for "I love you" is "I need you." Of course, that doesn't go over as well as "I love you." Yet, it's much more truthful. Our need to belong, to be connected, to be intimate is very strong. What we often love in the other person is that they are satisfying a need of ours to be connected to another person. Our need to be connected motivates a great deal of our late adolescent and adult behavior.

However, the satisfaction of that need to be connected is not necessarily love. Love is, by definition, unconditional positive acceptance of any person at any time under any condition who might be exhibiting any behavior. And, as a people, we're not very good at that. We may not approve of the behavior; however, to love is to accept the person, without judgment, criticism or complaint. Although we can talk about "tough love" it might be better to call it "tough caring" as love is not tough - or rough. Nor is it bitter sweet. To quote I Corinthians (13:4-8a) "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
So, the question then arises, when we hear all these couples say "I love you" what's really being said? The answer, I believe, is "I need you to need me." And, there should be no shame or guilt or embarrassment in needing.
Everybody needs others. No one likes being alone. We can deteriorate mentally and emotionally when alone in much the same way the body withers away without food. We need companionship, friendship, partners, colleagues and acquaintances. We need to belong, to be part of and contained within something larger than our individual self. We often mistakenly think that by hearing someone say to us "I love you" that all our needs for belonging and connectedness are met. They are not. This can become evident after several years of a relationship or a marriage when one or both parties find themselves needing more than the relationship can offer. Then, thinking another relationship will provide the satisfaction sought, we find ourselves entering another relationship only to find several years down the road that this new relationship by itself too does not satisfy the belonging needs.

If in fact we need to be loved, that need will be satisfied through belonging. We can belong to, and participate in, a family, a company, a community, a society and even global endeavors.
By belonging and participating we will grow to feel loved by others (in the brotherly love sense of the word) and the need to be loved will be satisfied. If in fact we love to be needed, then we can have what we love through the very same activities as those that satisfied our need to be loved.
For by participating in family, community, professional, social and global endeavors, we become a needed part of the larger whole. Participation in activities larger than our individual self satisfies our need to be needed by others.

The answer to the question that is the title of this article is both. We need both to be loved and we love to be needed - we need to be needed. Being needed makes us feel that we belong. Belonging makes us feel loved. We can achieve both by the single path of participation in something larger than our individual self.
Whether it's family, work, community volunteer work, social activism or a little bit of each, we can find our need to be loved and our love to be needed satisfied.
From that satisfaction, we can begin to love others. We can even share that satisfaction with a significant other making our primary relationship based on belonging needs that are already at least in part satisfied rather than placing the entire burden of that satisfaction on the relationship itself. The kind of primary relationship can last a very long time and does contribute to happiness.

Do You Continue Creating Emotionally Unavailable Lovers

Do You Continue Creating Emotionally Unavailable Lovers

I want to:
To create the one who is emotionally unavailable. What can I do to change that"? This is a question that came from one of my clients. Coincidentally, that was the strongest negative vibration I had from my lengthy string of failed relationships. They were either emotionally unavailable, lived far away or traveled all the time.

When you keep creating unavailable lovers, my question to you is, "Is something in you that is afraid to commit, or finds it difficult to be truly open in a love relationship"? That may be difficult to accept right now, but that is what I have found to be the case in most cases.

As a relationship life coach, I provide Relationship Life Coaching for Women. I also recommend that you get extremely clear about what you desire. Get clear by making a list of the qualities you want in your perfect match.

You create the list for yourself so you can get clarity concerning what it is you truly want. You'll start to see where any weaknesses are in yourself as you make the list. You'll see where you need to go to strengthen your level of creation or belief in the likelihood of creating what you are desiring. Seek assistance from a life coach today.

To bring out the state of feeling happy expectancy, continue by asking yourself the question "Why do I desire this"? It is time to use your imagination. When you answer this question, imagine all the wonderful things you will do together. Think of smiling, holding hands, and introducing him to your girlfriends. Envision what it'll be like to be with someone who is romantic and loves to bring you flowers.

You make the list for yourself, and the Universe recognizes your clear vibration – the undiluted intention and unresisted desire!

Most of us have been told from childhood to accept whatever you receive, it is not polite to ask for anything, why can you not just be happy with what you have? - kind of like brainwashing. I suggest you ask for it all and keep feeling yourself into the alignment of your affirmations.

Creating A New Paradyme

Creating A New Paradyme

Every person and organization is being challenged to face whatever issues they have not addressed. This is necessary in order to move forward and raise our consciousness.
Can you imagine trying to climb a high mountain with a very heavy pack on your back? When we do this, we make it very difficult to come into a new awareness of who we truly are and how we can fulfill our life purpose.

We create struggle when we don’t clear old patterns of thinking and behavior. Even if we have the desire to move forward, we can’t because we are weighted down by old beliefs and habits. Changing our external environment by changing our jobs, where we live or our partners will not bring the change we desire. What we need to do is change the beliefs and values we hold internally. This inner work requires self examination and getting rid of what no longer serves us.

Everything is speeding up literally as higher dimensional frequencies bombard this planet. This influx of energy means we can advance quickly but it also means that we can no longer avoid confronting old beliefs or ways of doing things. Whatever is holding us back from reaching a new level of conscious understanding will show up as challenges in our lives now. So I encourage everyone to look through your life and see if the beliefs, relationships and habits that you hold dear are still meaningful for you. If they are not, then let go of them. Nature abhors a vacuum. Within a short while, new friends and opportunities will come into your life. All you need to do is be open to receiving.

Every one of us has an opportunity to create the future we want now as manifestation is occurring almost instantly due to these higher frequencies. So we need to ask ourselves “What would we like our future to look like?” Do we want to continue with the pattern of male dominance which has been prominent on this planet for thousands of years? We see male dominance in our religions, politics, government and economics worldwide.

If you fail to believe that we have been living in a male dominated world, ask yourself “How many women in the world are in positions of power in politics, industry, and religion?” While women have climbed the corporate ladder in recent years, they still have to work harder and receive less pay for the same work. No matter how good they are at their job, the “old boys” network still rules the roost and they don’t want to give up their power. Do you think we would have so much aggression and war on this planet if women were running the show?

Do we want to have peace on this planet because the male solution to conflict is often aggression and war? Do we want to have equality between people or do we want to continue in the old way where we think of ourselves as better than others? Do we want every person on this planet to have enough food to eat and medical attention or do we want to hoard what we have rather than share? Do we want to continue to acquire more and more material belongings or do we want to value each other for who we are rather than what we own? Do we want to play a greater part in decision making or do we want to give our power away and be left feeling disempowered and angry?

These are important questions for us to consider both personally and globally. If we don’t think about these concerns and consciously try to visualize change, we may very well destroy ourselves. Now is the time to act. We can’t rely on others to make change happen. All change starts within the heart of each and every one of us. We need to change our attitudes and how we do things if we are ever going to have peace in our hearts and on this planet.

I strongly believe it is time to approach life from a more feminine heart centered perspective. I do not mean that women should now dominate men as men have dominated woman for thousands of years. What I am suggesting is a balanced approach to life. I feel that this is one of the changes that needs to take place as we approach 2012. Right now it is the job of women around the world to make their voices heard and to bring love into everything we do.

A love has traditionally been associated with the feminine. Love has enormous power to transform anything and everything. Women have not lost that ability or power; they just haven’t been expressing it as much as they should. So change requires that every woman stand up and own their power to be love and to love..

Each one of us through our conscious intentions and power of love can bring about change. Even if change occurs slowly and in small amounts, eventually it all adds up and global transformation will occur.

Here are some things we can all do. As we go about our daily interactions with each other, we need to be heart centered. We need to be paying to attention to how we feel and what our bodies want in the present moment. To do this, take a deep breath wherever you are and ask yourself how you feeling right now so you respond from your heart rather than from old programming.

We need to pay attention to whether our intentions and actions are self serving or do they benefit others? We need to be sensitive to the needs of others. We must speak our truth to each other including our political representatives. Don’t sit back and let someone else do it or think “What good will it do?” Don’t be lazy. This is your future you are creating.

Join together with like minded people because this way you will feel supported and you won’t have to do it alone. When people do things or behave in a way you don’t like or that is hurtful, say so and suggest an alternative behavior.

If you are short of money, ask yourself “What can I offer or do in exchange in order to receive what I want?” Traditionally, people living in tribal societies did everything by exchange as the creation of money as a means of payment is fairly recent in the history of the world. This leaves each person feeling like they have something valuable to contribute.

Remember to say I love to the people around you everyday. When you go shopping think of money as love and realize how your spending is helping someone else. Money is just a form of energy exchange after all. Unfortunately throughout history, we have used money to control others and make them feel less than in order to feel powerful.

The more we love ourselves and each other, the quicker we will create a new paradigm. A world filled with love not hate, a place where we will be respectful of each other and not try to dominate others for our own benefit. Where we will be concerned about the welfare of those less fortunate wherever they may live. The more love we express the more love we will receive because that is the law of attraction at work.

Couple Communication

Couple Communication

Overcoming Roadblocks to Communication to Maintain or Regain Your Marital Happiness

Pay attention of this word: "I want to"
Most people want to have a loving, committed, happy marriage. And they think they know what will make for that happy marriage. Some of the characteristics often identified as making up a stable and loving relationship include: trust, love, respect, honesty, and faithfulness, among other attributes.

Many people have the oversimplified desire to “just be happy” in their marriage, like happiness in a relationship is some simple, ordinary thing that each person is “naturally” entitled to.

The ability to be happy in one’s marriage often involves more than the desired characteristics identified above. Many couples that come in for counseling say they have love, respect, honesty, commitment, and faithfulness (as well as other positive characteristics), but that one or both are just not happy.

What does it take for a marriage to be a happy one? Decades of marital satisfaction research has consistently identified effective communication as one of the primary ingredients in marital happiness.

Communication is more than speaker and listener techniques. Much of what constitutes good communication is meaningful interaction.

A marriage involves partner engagement in all kinds of interaction throughout the day, yet actively being engaged in nurturing or maintaining the emotionally supportive relationship is not often enough a conscious effort.

The need for obvious evidence of engagement in nurturing and treasuring the relationship becomes more important when one or both parties are feeling unimportant, unloved, and insecure in the relationship. Often when a partner feels these things s/he complains that they "do not communicate" and do not spend enough "quality" time together. The complaint has the seeds of the solution.

The problem and the solution have been identified, yet much of the time the couple cannot seem to get started with enacting their solution. One of the problems with enacting the solution is a lack of effective communication skills. Couples often believe that they are good communicators, when in fact, when the tension rises and emotions are high, they fail to use whatever good skills that they do have. This of course, leads to failed attempts to communicate and problem solve. These failed attempts lead to discouragement and frustration.


Couples often get stuck into circular, self-reinforcing patterns where the things that they say to each other and the ways they say it, virtually guarantee that the other person will get defensive and response in a similar fashion. Each person’s part in this verbal whirlpool, generates frustration and justification for continuing to do exactly what they are doing, despite the fact that it obviously is not working. Each side of the interactional exchange contributes to the verbal miscommunication. Neither person is able to “hear” what the other person is saying.

The other roadblock to creating the change that is desired is that each partner may want something different from communication, and they may not know that they want something different. They may be trying to problem solve about different things or on different levels. One partner may be wanting to solve some logistical issue, while the other wants reassurance that s/he is loved.

Partners often do not know that they don’t want the same displays of affection or that quality time together means something entirely different to each of them.

As each person uses his own values and beliefs as “unquestioned universally accepted meaning” their attempts to “bridge the gap” fail. Each person goes giving to the partner what s/he believes that “everyone wants”. Since, in fact, the partners want something other than what is being given, they stay frustrated. Not having his or her efforts recognized is also frustrating.

Sometimes, however, partners know that they want different displays of love, respect, and commitment and repeatedly tell the other what they want or need. When partners make some attempts to comply briefly, only to return to old behavior, the frustration and anger only intensifies. To the partner requesting change, this means that s/he really does not care.

All of these circumstances and events set the stage for hurt, anger, and frustration, creating perceptual distortions that color future interactions.

These distortions, called “filters” create a climate of thoughts and emotions that changes incoming information—for the worse. Unsuccessful problem solving and unresolved negative emotions make it more and more difficult to solve new problems, and to recover from painful relationship events. Filters also make it difficult to have positive feelings and positive assumptions about the relationship. These negative filters create the conditions in which couple engage in those circular self-reinforcing arguments that go nowhere. Discussion become arguments, escalating in anger and becoming verbally assaultive. This pattern can persist over time, destroying the relationship. Or this pattern can lead to a “pursuing/distancing” pattern where one repeatedly tries to engage and the other repeatedly avoids engagement and conflict.

The couples simply trying to regain a sense of being loved and valued, or to reclaim a connection that seems to be dissolving, create a communication pattern that creates the very thing that they are trying to avoid—distance, instability, and marital unhappiness.

To change the course of the relationship, it is necessary to first discover what partners are doing that is not working, and to stop the destructive behavior patterns. Then to continue to interrupt the negative cycle, couples must return to the basics. They must begin to replace old communication behavior with new neural behavior, such as simply being "nice" to each other. Being nice involves extending the same common courtesy to your spouse that you would extend to relative strangers. This change can go a long way to re-establishing a kind of emotional neutrality, and paving the way for a return to personal "risk taking" in communicating and problem solving.

Basic communication skills involve using “I” messages, instead of “You” messages. This change alone can change the whole tone of conversations, reduce defensiveness, and improve the ability to actually "hear" what the other person is saying. Another basic skill, using “active listening” including asking clarifying questions, also helps to neutralize negative filters and improve accuracy in communications.

A regular time set aside daily for couple communication and interaction helps to continue the lifting of negativity, creating an environment conducive to restoring positive feelings and marital happiness.

This couple communication time, carved out of the daily schedule, could involve sitting on the deck and watching the sun go down, holding hands and talking about the day. It is possible that a couple could need a little help in getting started. Structured or semi-structured communication exercises such as a Couple's Feelings Meeting or “The Honey Jar”, can assist couples with getting into a habit of talking and sharing with each other. Setting aside time on a regular basis assists couple to talk and share, helping to create a feeling of connection, love, and importance.

When partners feel loved and secure in the relationship, they are better able to handle and resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise. Couples who have confidence in their ability to handle differences and to problem solve as necessary can maintain the happiness in their marriage.

Celtic Rings

Celtic Rings- Great Gifts For Everyone

I want to:
The celtic type of rings are specially made by carving or engraving designs around the ring. Yellow and white gold are popular metal bands, titanium and platinum which are durable metal bands are increasingly becoming famous when it comes to Celtic rings.
This is truly one work of art.
Personally made with designs like the knot, floral, swirl, geometrical, objects, animals, culture arts etc. that has deeper meanings.

This type of rings are traditionally for man and woman's engagement and wedding rings. Most of this rings are personalized. You can express your art in a way of using a celtic ring. Choosing your own ring settings like type of metal bands and gemstones is not a question when it comes to celtic rings. The most common celtic rings design is the knot pattern. A knot represents a tie that binds two people in a commitment. Celtic rings are very symbolic and good for wedding rings. Wishbone design is becoming popular for it's denoted from the famous ying and yang designs derived from other cultures.

Celtic knot wedding bands which are usually yellow and white gold has a lot of designs and shapes. A two- toned combination or famous for combination of two type of metal bands which are usually white and yellow gold are preferred wedding bands for men.
With the simple designs engrave or carved on it is amazingly gorgeous!. Celtic wedding bands are perfect choices for men who only wear ring to display his life status as a married man and not for fashion like sprinkled stones around it.
Platinum is popular for celtic rings for it's the hardest metal among the metal elements use for jewelries.

When it comes to woman's engagement rings and wedding rings celtic rings are in demand nowadays. Some of the most desirable celtic engagement and wedding rings are celtic engagement solitaire ring made of white or yellow gold with a name or message carved all around the inside.
A celtic diamond and emerald with trinity knot design is elegant as well as the celtic diamond cluster engagement ring.
For woman's wedding rings, celtic ring designs like celtic trinity knot three- stoned diamond, celtic trinity knot in layed and celtic wedding rings with diamonds and other gemstones sprinkled all over the ring is absolutely magnificent.

Diamonds are popular for princess, tiffany and three- stoned cut. This ring styles can be possibly done with celtic rings. Having diamonds as stones is truly a treasure one can ever value. What more if it's personally made of celtic rings.
Personalizing rings as gifts to our loved ones is a valuable and irreplaceable gift one can ever have. And celtic rings are made to send out the message the giver wants to say to the one will be given.
This is also another way of saying “your important to me”, “ I love you” and ' I treasure our friendship forever. It's amazing isn't it? A simple celtic ring binds people together, value, appreciate and love one another. Celtic ring is truly a treasure.

Building a Love.....

Building a Love that Lasts for a Lifetime

Today is a day to remember! Our publisher officially released our multiple award-winning book in paperback! Our labor of love – our heart’s work for the past 26+ years – has come to fruition in a format that will reach even more people.
Excerpts of many of our interviews with successfully married couples in the USA and around the world, and their secrets to marital success, are revealed in our book – Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley).

There was dancing in our kitchen this morning! There will be champagne tonight! It’s fun to birth a book. Life is good.

We quickly contacted via email and telephone all those involved in our collective “labor of love.” There were lots of congratulatory messages. There were tears. There were lots of folks wanting to hold the book – wanting to touch it, squeeze it, admire it, kiss it, and hug it. Everybody expressed their appreciation and admiration for their work – for their labor of love. What started out as our book so many years ago became everybody’s book.
You can’t beat that feeling of satisfaction that you get when people know a job has been done well. It felt good to feel the love and the excitement.
Photographs now record the event for today and for posterity. It is a day to remember for sure.

The interview requests are pouring in. The book signings are being confirmed. The lessons of successful marriage we have shared in our book will now be revealed for even more of the world to see. It feels good.

Successful marriage, successful relationships, and successful love – all depend on those who inhabit these relationships to do the simple things required to build a love to last – brick by brick, day by day.

Successful marriage, love, and relationships all require simple acts. Simple gestures. Simple conversations. Success in love and marriage and in love and relationships depends on an accumulation of having done the simple things. Success is really no more complicated than this. Our book is about doing the simple things. The simple things are the building blocks required to build a love to last. The simple things are the “seven surprising secrets of successful marriage.”

So friends, on this exciting day, we offer you the teasers – the seven surprising secrets of successful marriage. To get the whole truth and nothing but the truth you will have to read the book available wherever books are sold!
Here are our teasers!

1. In successful marriages, two becomes one. It is not you and me, it is WE!

2. In successful marriages, couples talk about anything and everything.
There are no sacred cows – no secrets.

3. In successful marriages, couples understand that you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Successful love and marriage is about mutual love, respect, and understanding.

4. In successful marriages, couples understand that taking care of themselves in a health sense is not sufficient. You must also promote health in your spouse.
To live until “death do us part” requires a mutual concern about good health.

5. In successful marriage, it is not YOUR money and MY money. It is OUR money.

6. In successful marriages, touching each other multiple times per day is the norm. When you touch your spouse you are acknowledging their presence and telling them, “I love you so much I simply must touch you!”

7. Successful marriages are full of variety and spice. They are exciting and rarely dull or boring. Successful marriages don’t always follow a path to predictability. They upend expectancies – they stir the pot. They laugh a lot. The notion that “variety is the spice of life” is their daily mantra.

The simple truth is this – those marriages that succeed are those that have accumulated over time a basket full of having done the simple things day in and day out in their relationship! A marriage that fails is, more often than not, characterized by the refusal of one or more of the two inhabiting the relationship to do the hard work of doing the simple things day in and day out.

To make no mistake about it, no successful marriage or loving relationship can expect to succeed if those who inhabit the relationship are not committed to doing the simple things that matter, day in and day out of their relationship. We know this to be true based on our nearly three decades of research on the topic.

In our thousands of interviews with successfully married couples over these past 26+ years on SIX of the world’s seven continents, it has become patently clear to us that no love was ever made, sustained, or endured without a clear commitment to building a love that lasts.

It have chronicled more than15,000 years of marriage from 26+ years of interviews with successfully and happily married couples on six continents of the world (Antarctica is next!). We think you will enjoy our book. We sure do.

The simple things matter in love and marriage. Why not build your love to last? Love well!

Communication Tips for...

Communication Tips for Apologizing After a "Bad" Argument

Have you ever stepped over a line in your relationship and wanted to make up for what happened?

Have you ever had someone apologize to you, but you could tell it was not a sincere apology?

Have you ever truly wanted to make amends for upset with your partner but didn't know how to begin?

We've all been there.
We've probably all been in a position where we've hurt someone we care about and want to make amends and start re-connecting.

And we've all probably been in a position in which we've been hurt by another person and the apology we were given just didn't seem heart-felt.

When you have an argument, disagreement or some other point of conflict with your partner, what you might want most of all is to put whatever happened behind you and begin to move closer together again.

And during an argument, particularly a "bad" one, it could very well be that you were in both positions-- the one who feels hurt by your partner and the one who said or did things that caused pain.

Making an apology needs to be very mindful and conscious in order for you and your mate to be able to truly let go of whatever happened and turn toward one another and reconnect.

Jackie has a temper. She is the first one to admit it too. She knows that when her buttons have been pushed, those around her better watch out!

True, she often regrets the harsh words she says when she is angry. But she also often also feels justified in what she says.

Jackie's husband, Aaron, has learned to steer clear of Jackie for awhile after he's done something he thinks might make her mad. He has been on the receiving end of more than one of her tirades and does not enjoy it.

But when Jackie ripped into Aaron a couple of days ago about a decision he made regarding their daughter, Aaron was not only surprised but also indignant.

Aaron resents Jackie judging him so unfairly when he was merely doing his best to parent. It was a difficult situation and he doesn't think Jackie would have made that different a decision herself!

Aaron has been avoiding Jackie since her outburst of a couple of days ago.
He knows that at some point they need to talk, but at this moment he can't think of anything nice to say.

Shift within yourself before making an apology.
If you feel like you need to make an apology after an argument or other disconnection between you and your mate, take a little bit of time to go within first.

Sometimes when there is apparent distance in a relationship, people will say or do things that they aren't genuinely feeling just to bridge that disconnection and make things "ok" again.

See if you can make a shift within yourself before you take any action at all.

Making a shift might mean that you re-affirm to yourself what is most important to you about this situation. It could be that you were so caught up in being "right," you lost sight of how vital coming together with your partner to face a difficult situation is.

Jackie doesn't like to be so mean and angry with Aaron. In the days after her big blow-up, Jackie has started to see how righteous she gets-- especially when it comes to their kids.

She acknowledges that she doesn't often give Aaron credit for doing a great job as a father.

Now Jackie is feeling regret about the argument even as she is still resistant to admitting her over-reaction.

When you think about making an apology, don't take more or less than your share of responsibility for what happened.

You can express how difficult it is for you to say "I'm sorry," as you let your partner know that you regret what happened. In fact, you can apologize and own up to your habits-- even those that involve needing to be right.

Be honest. This will let your mate know that your apology is coming from the heart.

Look for ways to re-connect.
Jackie is able to apologize to Aaron for her part in their recent argument. She admits to her need to be right when it comes to parenting and she acknowledges that she doesn't often give Aaron respect for the parenting he does.

Jackie says to him, "I am sorry that I was so hard on you about the decision you made about our daughter. This is hard for me to say because I realize how invested I am in
being the parent who has it together and is right. The way you chose to handle the situation was different than what I'd do but I now see that it wasn't necessarily the wrong way to go about it."

After you apologize from the heart, talk with your partner about how the two of you can re-connect. There might be specific actions your partner would like. There could also
be things you would like to do.

To follow through on what you two decide and keep checking in with one another.

As difficult as apologies can be, they are essential to having a close relationship. Find the clarity and courage within yourself to give and receive apologies with an open heart.

3 Ways to Keep Passion Alive and Sparking

3 Ways to Keep Passion Alive and Sparking in Your Relationship

In a recent edition of the comic strip "9 Chickweed Lane," a couple who are in a long-term relationship together are talking-- well, the man in the relationship is talking. He is ruminating about how after a certain period of time together, it is to be expected that passion will fade somewhat.

He goes on to say that it is "natural that one could expect little more in the relationship that will take one's breath away..."

This might be how you feel as well. After all, if you get along congenially and work as a team to run your home, finances and family, what more can you expect from your mate or your relationship?

It may seem to you that it is natural for those butterflies in the stomach and tingling in the toes moments of passion and spark to decline or die away.

We can't disagree with this expectation more!

And, so it seems, the female in the couple of the "9 Chickweed Lane" comic is in agreement with us.

As her partner reasons that nothing more in their relationship could take his breath away, she merely replies, "Oh really?" as she nudges the strap of her dress off her shoulder.

This playful and enticing response from the woman evokes a tongue- tied, breath-taking reaction from the man. The couple walk off together embracing, the man still obviously knocked off his feet.

You might be amused or even a little annoyed at the message of this comic strip. Perhaps it seems to you that the level of passion and excitement in a relationship is bound to diminish as "real life" takes over.

With bills to pay, kids to bathe and feed and a seemingly unending list of demands for your attention and energy, the last thing on your mind might be passion.

Or it could be that you really would like to feel those giddy sensations of new love and romance again-- or at least experience them from time to time but it just isn't happening.

We believe that no matter how long a couple has been together and regardless of their life circumstances, passionate connecting can occur. There is enough time and energy for spark-- but only if you open up to it.

The first step toward re-igniting the spark in your relationship is to give yourself permission to make this a priority.

We aren't suggesting that you stay in bed with your mate making love everyday and neglect your family, home and career.

We do recommend that you make room in your possibly crowded mind and life for intimacy and passion. Once you've offered your attention in a positive way to what you want, it is easier to take actions that will bring it into being.

3 ways to keep passion alive.

1. Never assume...
The assumptions can be a huge damper on your relationship's spark. No matter how predictable you think your partner is or how accustomed you are to certain ways of interacting and living, stop yourself.

Rather than jump to conclusions about what your partner says, does or what you think he or she wants, open up and ask first.

A sense of excitement can happen when you begin to see your mate not as this person "I've lived with forever," but instead as an ever-changing human being who is just waiting to be discovered and appreciated anew each and every day.

It might be as simple as asking where your mate would like to eat dinner for a date instead of heading for your usual restaurant. Or it could be more intimate, such as how (and where) your partner desires to make love that night.
Take on an openness and curiosity about your love and find out rather than assume.

2. Keep communicating connectingly...
We can't emphasize enough how vital it is that you and your partner communicate in ways that bring you closer together.

It is nearly impossible to keep relationship spark ignited and strong when two people are communicating in ways that are confusing and disconnecting.

You and your partner might need to identify (without blame) the communication habits that simply aren't serving your relationship. Be on the lookout for resources and examples that can help you learn how to speak to one another differently.

It is this foundation that can foster and allow a renewed sense of passion and aliveness between you two.

3. Feed your own soul...
As you desire more spark in your love relationship or marriage you might realize that your overall feeling about your life right now is rather dull and even lifeless. It could seem that you drone on through your routine without much pep and passion, if any.

The state of being can surely spill over into your relationship. And, thankfully, this state of being can be temporary.

You can give yourself the gift of fully living your life. You can discover what feeds your soul and then keep doing those things, living in those ways.

The gift of renewed aliveness and zest for life can most certainly spill over into your relationship.

As you and your partner support one another and celebrate the soul-enriching strides each are taking, you can move closer together and enjoy greater passion than ever before.

Dating Tips

Dating Tips for Finding Your Perfect Match

Countless dating sites online promise to help you find your perfect match. The one you can spend the rest of your life with.

The idea behind these dating services is usually that you fill out a questionnaire and complete a profile with information about yourself-- your preferences, dislikes, and other such information.

The company will then review your information and pair you up with potential dates.

We're not opposed to the idea of using a dating service or website to meet dates and potential partners in most cases.
However, encourage you to rely mainly on your own perceptions and feelings as you attract a date who might turn out to be your long-time mate.

Have you ever been in a social setting or even a business meeting and found yourself drawn to a particular person? Let's say you are single and wanting to be in a relationship but you just haven't found the "right" person yet.

This man or woman whom you are drawn to seems completely wrong for you though!

Maybe he or she doesn't look the way you always thought your partner would look. Or perhaps this person has mannerisms, overt habits, a job, lifestyle, etc that do not appear to be a good match for you and what you've always thought you wanted.

And so, despite your attraction to this person, you close the door and turn your attentions elsewhere.

A recent Dilbert comic strip gave the reader a fly-on-the-wall view of the lead character Dilbert on a date. The woman with whom Dilbert is about to share a meal demands that he hand over his cell phone because, she explains, "I judge potential mates by their cell phone apps..."

After having a look through Dilbert's cell phone, the woman promptly ends the date and leaves the table because she discovers that there is an application that does nothing but hurl pirate insults-- she deems this "stupid."

Stay Open
In a comedic way, Dilbert creator Scott Adams helps us illustrate our point. When you make a snap decision about another person, you might just be missing out on a wonderful partner for yourself.

Perhaps it is for the best that Dilbert's companion stopped their date right then and there. It could very well have been for the best- - if her preferences for a partner are as limited and rigid as they seemed from her comment.

By all means we encourage you to be clear about what you want in a love relationship. Dream and envision the kind of person you'd like to spend time with.

Create in your mind a vivid image of you and your love enjoying one another and sharing the kind of closeness and connection you are looking for.

And then relax about it all.

Stay open and don't be so attached to the way you think your date should look, act or be. Don't dismiss a person whom you are attracted to simply because he or she doesn't seem to fit the images you have in your mind.

When judging or doubting thoughts come up for you because, for example, you don't find the cell phone apps this person has funny or practical, take a moment and pause.

There are certainly occasions when the choices a potential date makes are in violation of your deeply held values. Consider whether your impulse to turn away from this other person is about your deeply held values or not.

You might discover that this different and seemingly "weird" aspect of this person helps you expand and grow in positive ways.

Who wouldn't want to laugh more, for instance, because of a goofy cell phone app?

To stay Present
Too often in life many of us leave the present moment and jump ahead in our minds. We might space out as we're talking with another as we plan a "to do" list. We might be wondering where the evening will end up-- will there be a passionate kiss (or more) at the end of this date?

The trouble with planning ahead or wondering how it's all going to end up is you miss what's going on right now!

If you're really enjoying yourself with your date but you go off in your mind worrying or even dreaming about how quickly you might get serious and be in a committed relationship with this person you are losing out on the fun and enjoyment of the present moment.

When you find yourself jumping ahead and fixating on the future, stop right there. Take a deep breath and consciously bring yourself back to this moment.

Really listen to what the other person is saying. Listen internally to how you are feeling about what he or she is saying and doing. Be present and attentive.

As helpful as it might be to know from a questionnaire or service that the chemistry is "right" between you and another person, the most accurate and powerful indicator is from within.

If you aren't accustomed to tuning in to your own inner wisdom and guidance, learn how to do so.

Take your interactions with a potential date or a possible partner one moment at a time.

Stay open and present and enjoy yourself along the way.

Relationship Advice-2

Relationship Advice:
"Help! I'm Trapped In a Relationship I Don't Want to Be In!"

When you and your partner seem to be wanting the absolute opposite things in life, what do you do?

When it feels like you and your mate are constantly at odds and conflict abounds, is it automatically time to leave the relationship?

What if it seems clear to you that this relationship is not what you want and this person you are with is not the same one you fell in love with years ago but you can't seem to end the relationship?

There are many situations that can develop in the course of a love relationship or marriage where the degree of dissatisfaction and unhappiness are so intense you are inwardly pulled to make a drastic change and possibly leave the relationship.

The only problem is....you feel trapped. Walking away from your partner or making a significant change, for whatever reason, appear to be blocked options.

It could be that you and your partner have children together and you are unwilling to put them through what you think would be the trauma of a divorce or breakup between their parents.

It might also be that for financial reasons, leaving this relationship appears to be
impossible. You might feel trapped because, due to insecurities or other beliefs, you are under the impression that this is your only chance at love.

There are plenty of reasons why you might feel trapped in your current unhappy relationship. We aren't going try to list them all off or address them individually.

What we will do is offer you advice so that you can get unstuck and stop feeling trapped where you are.

Phil can't remember the last time he and Sherrie had a pleasant conversation together. All they seem to do lately is bicker and fight-- and it's been this way for quite awhile.

The main source of conflict between Phil and Sherrie stems from her desire to get married and have children with him. Phil feels like he has always made it clear to Sherrie that he does not believe in marriage and does not want to be a father.

Sherrie, on the other hand, thought that Phil's anti-marriage position was due to his young age when they began dating. At that time, it made sense to both of them not to marry or start a family.

Sherrie assumed that Phil left the door open for both of these when he got
older. Unfortunately, this has not proved to be the case. Phil is just as staunchly anti-marriage and anti-fatherhood as he was when they first met. And now Sherrie feels that she will not be happy unless she a married mother.

Both Sherrie and Phil feel trapped in this situation and their relationship. They love each other very much but neither is happy with the direction the other wants to go.

What is your priority?
If you feel like you have no choices in your relationship, it can be helpful to take a step back and look at your priorities.

Move away from assumptions about what you think your partner wants-- or even from what he or she is saying. Focus in on what you want most at this time.

Set aside all of the reasons why you feel trapped and any factors that you believe might be standing in your way.

For the moment, get very clear about what your priority is. It might be more than one thing. The essential exercise for you is to know what is most important to you.

When Sherrie reaches into herself to discover what her priority is, she realizes that she wants to be a mother. She would prefer to be married and she would like to stay with Phil. But, ultimately, Sherrie wants to experience motherhood in her lifetime.

It is bittersweet for Sherrie to hone in on this priority. She does not want to lose Phil. In fact, she worries that she'll never find another man who makes her laugh and feel beautiful the way he does (or the way he used to).

At the same time, it is undeniable to Sherrie that having a baby is most important. She still feels trapped and in an impossible 'either/or' situation. But it is some relief to no longer be so confused and indecisive.

Communicate with openness and confidence.
Take that feeling of clarity and honesty and combine it with openness as you communicate with your partner. If you can feel less trapped as you identify that you do have options and your priorities are important, that will help immensely.

We do not advise you to set an ultimatum before your partner. If you are truly ready to end the relationship, then make it plain that this is your intention and the reasons why.

If you would like to see if you and your mate can find a way for both of you to have your needs met while staying together, communicate that intention to him or her. Talk about what you have realized about your own priorities and desires and then listen to what your partner has to say.

You might find that you two aren't as diametrically opposed on this particular topic as you thought you were. Or, you could see that you are absolutely not in agreement about this issue; but it might be something that you two choose to stay together and work on.

Do whatever you can to learn from one another and create space for connections to happen while maintaining your own priorities.

After Sherrie shares with Phil her priority to have a baby, he re-emphasizes that he does not ever want to be a parent. He tells her how sad he is that their plans are so conflicting because he does love her deeply.

Sherrie and Phil ultimately decide to break up. This is a difficult and painful decision to make, but one that also offers a sense of relief to both. They feel like they can continue to support one another as friends as they continue in different life directions.

Whether you stay together or end your relationship, you and your partner will hopefully realize that you are not trapped in any situation. There are always choices-- even if they seem small or insignificant at first.

Remind yourself that you do have the power to choose your next step in life. And remember that you can choose to open up and try to find the places where your and your partner's wishes possibly overlap.

Stop Putting Your Needs Last

Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship or Marriage


Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?

It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.

In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.

It's absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.

You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.

A trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship. You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.

This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.

You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.

Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.

You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you. After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.

This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.

Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.

Stay in touch and aware of what you want.
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.

When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.

Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.

You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.

Have the courage and patience to stay open.
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."

Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.

Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.

Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.

If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent. Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process.

Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree

Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree" with Your Partner and Stay
Connected?

You and someone you care deeply about just don't see eye to eye about a particular issue. You may debate with one another and even argue in favor of your perspective, but to no avail.

You and this special someone in your life finally decide to "agree to disagree" about this topic.

It's usually far easier to "agree to disagree" with an extended family member, a friend or a co-worker.
After all, quite often you don't live with these people and there is some amount of distance between you that makes this kind of a pseudo-resolution work.

But when you and your partner in a love relationship or marriage have reached the point that neither of you is willing to budge and the only thing you can do is "agree to disagree," disconnection can result.

While it's true you cannot force your mate to believe that your perspective is better and it's inadvisable to simply go along with your partner's plan to "keep the peace," you do need to find a way to communicate about this tricky topic and keep your connection strong.

With an open heart and a willingness to listen, you may find that you and your partner don't have to see eye to eye about everything and you can still stay close.

Though their son is only 14, Joe wants to begin teaching him how to drive-- starting out in parking lots or on rural roads.

Brandy is staunchly against this idea. She's read the statistics of how many teen boys get into car accidents and she would rather their son wait until he's 18 to drive, not 14.

Brandy is willing to consider driving lessons for their son when he's 16, but not a day
sooner!

After going round and round about this, Joe and Brandy have decided to "agree to disagree." The problem is, Joe is beginning to think that he and their son will have to sneak these driving lessons that Joe feels strongly about if they're ever going to happen.

Get to the heart of the matter.
Whatever it is that you and your partner have "agreed to disagree" about, take some time to get a deeper look at the issue for you. If you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to dig in your heels, it is probably a hot button issue for you!

When you think about this topic, what are your dominant thoughts and feelings? Does this situation remind you of anything that happened in your past?

You might want to write down the observations you make about your thoughts, feelings and recalled memories. These can help you get a better grasp of the dimensions of this issue.

When Brandy takes a deeper look at the question of their son learning to drive at the age of 14, she feels a preponderance of fear. She is fearful about her son getting hurt or hurting others accidentally.

She also realizes that she is fearful and sad about her son getting older and more independent.

Brandy can now see that a part of her wants to delay his growing up as much as she can. While she feels a bit embarrassed by this realization, it is helps Brandy get clearer about her position on the matter.

Don't make it about winning or losing.
Sometimes when a couple gets stuck in a disagreement, one or both of them is attached to the idea of "winning" the discussion. Although this might not be the conscious thought, it is the compulsion all the same.

Inwardly and honestly reflect on your motivations. If you are wanting to "win" about this disagreement, acknowledge that to yourself.

Simply admitting that you are feeling competitive, defensive or prideful can help you to ease up. You can then begin to re-focus on the actual issue at hand.

If one or both of you is feeling powerless in some way in your relationship, you might feel compelled to "win." Ask yourself what you need in order to feel more powerful and then set aside a separate time when you can make requests of your partner that can help you.

It might also be that you don't feel powerful in your life in general. See what changes you can make in how you view yourself, your abilities and your life in order to make a shift and improve how you are feeling.

Open up to better understand.
Keep yourself as open as you can when you are communicating with your mate about this topic upon which you two have "agreed to disagree."

This will probably require you to do the inner work we've suggested above so that when you talk about the issue, you are really able to hone in on it.

Joe has realized that "winning" with Brandy-- especially about this topic-- is very important to him. Joe feels like Brandy has lead the way in parenting their children over the years and he'd like to step up and take control in this area.

Remembering the special times he had with his father when he learned how to drive as a teen, Joe wants to create new memories with his own son.

When Joe and Brandy sit down again, they are both feeling less intense about each of their "sides" and they can stay open to truly listen to one another. They feel more confident that they can come up with a resolution and decision that both of them can feel good about.

As you listen to understand your partner and how he or she feels about this particular topic, you won't necessarily come away with a changed mind-- neither will your mate.

What can be different is that you and your partner will each feel listened to and probably better understood. You might realize that what your mate is asking for or suggesting is an idea that has some merit after all.

From this point of feeling heard and better understood, the two of you can make choices while also moving closer together.

Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice,
When Your Partner Wants "More" and You're Not Sure

Let's say that you have been dating a particular person for a period of time and the relationship has been fun, interesting, passionate and overall quite enjoyable. But now your partner wants more.

He or she has commented to you that it's time to take your relationship to the "next level." Frankly, this suggestion strikes fear and torment in you!

You really care about your partner-- you might even love him or her-- but you don't want to make a change or go to any "next level."

The dynamic can result in a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, hurt feelings and distance. You might see your partner as ruining a good thing by asking for more. Your partner may feel like you are dragging your feet and resisting a deeper commitment.

It might seem that the two of you are very far apart when it comes to what you want for the future of your relationship. And it may even appear that you two have to make a radical decision that could even mean breaking up.

Is it possible for two people who seem to want such different things to remain in a healthy and satisfying relationship? Will one of you have to give in and let go of what you truly desire in order to stay together?

This is a difficult-- and common-- relationship challenge. And these questions can be equally difficult to resolve.

Take heart if you are in such a relationship dilemma. Other people have faced these questions and apparent disagreements and have figured out how to stay together. You can too if that's what you decide to do.

It is possible for your relationship to weather this kind of obstacle as well. In fact, you might find that you two end up closer than before.

Get clear about what you do want.
When you feel triggered and confused because your partner seems to desire a change that you are not so sure about, it's time for some clarity.

Our first suggestion to you is to stop jumping to conclusions about what this suggestion will mean-- or even about what your partner might be thinking.

Focus in on what you can know for sure; this is what you DO want.

Ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship with this person. Think about the agreements that you two might have made so far and feel into yourself to see if those still feel acceptable to you.

What are the changes you might like to make in your relationship? Please note that we are not asking what changes you'd like your partner to make. What would you like to be different in your relationship?

This can include your own behaviors and habits as well as the way you and your partner interact and communicate.

How do you feel about this person? Be certain to acknowledge all of your feelings and also what you appreciate.

Get clearer about what your partner wants.
If you want to stay in this relationship, you probably want there to be a healthy connection between the two of you. You probably want this disagreement about taking your relationship to the "next level" to be resolved in a way that pleases you both.

Other step toward such a resolution is to be clearer about what your partner wants.

When your partner asks for "more" or to move your relationship to the "next level," this might mean something completely different than what you guess it means.

Is he or she talking about getting married? Moving in together? Creating a drawer or space in the bathroom of his or her house for a few of your personal belongings?

It could mean any or none of these things.

Communicate your questions in a way that promotes openness. For example, you might say: "When you tell me that you want more from our relationship, what does that mean to you? Can you tell me more about what you want?"

Your partner could then give you some specific ideas of what he or she is talking about. Feel free to ask for time to think about what has been requested.

When you ask for time you can choose words that will encourage connection.

For instance, you could reply: "I appreciate you giving me more information about what you want. I care very much about you and our relationship and I will respond to what you are asking. Can we sit down together tomorrow evening after I've had a
chance to process and think more about what you've said?"

Instead of making assumptions and reacting out of fear, irritation or resistance, get a fuller picture of what you want and what your partner wants. From there, you can more easily see the overlap between what you both desire and choose your next direction from there.

If this type of change still feels overwhelming to you, you can ask your partner to take it one decision at a time. There are almost always options that allow you both to feel satisfied while keeping your connection close.

Dating and Relationship Advice

Dating and Relationship Advice: Can You Truly Just "Have Fun"?

It's the classic dating situation:
2 people meet. They are attracted to one another and begin to spend time together. The continue to spend time together and become intimate.

One person makes it clear that he or she just wants to "have fun" and does not want a relationship or to get serious. As time passes, however, confusion, disagreement and possible pain about this "non-relationship" grows.

So, is it possible to just "have fun" together?

Of course it is. When two people have an agreement that they are both wanting to be casual about their interactions with one another, it can be fun and enjoyable.

This, however, is not a committed relationship.

We certainly hope that there is fun and enjoyment in love relationships and marriages, but there are also other elements that the casual dating experience does not usually include.

Let's back up a bit...

There are many people who simply don't want to be in a love relationship.

They may have had painful experiences in past relationships and still feel too vulnerable and wounded to jump back into another one now, or ever. They may hold beliefs that they will lose independence and a sense of control over their lives if they enter into a committed relationship.

Or, perhaps, they are clear within themselves that they do not want that kind of depth and level of involvement with another person right now.

None of these reasons are wrong.

It gets tricky, however, when a person who is not wanting to be in a relationship does want to date and possibly be sexually intimate with other people.

Upon first getting together, it might seem acceptable to the other person to just "have fun." But attachments can happen over time. Feelings can deepen and grow.

The person who was initially okay with a non-relationship dating arrangement might find him or herself wanting more.

When both people do not want more at the same time, the fun quickly drains away leaving mainly hurt feelings and upset.

Make agreements with yourself.
We understand that when you are first getting to know another person to whom you are attracted, neither of you really knows if this will turn into a love relationship or not.

At that first date, asking the other person to make relationship commitments to you is probably not a wise idea-- nor is it probably one that you would choose.

You are learning more about this person; you probably don't want to force things or end up in a relationship with someone whom you aren't all that excited about after all.

We encourage you to make commitments and agreements with yourself.

* What is most important to you when it comes to this dating experience?

* How would you like to be treated by this new person in your life?

* Are there particular expectations that you have of him or her?

* If the two of you are sexually intimate, what kind of agreements will you make?

While it may be unclear to you (and to your date) whether or not you want to deepen your interactions and eventually be in a committed relationship together, you can become very clear within yourself about what you want.

For example, if you truly are wanting to be in a committed relationship in the near future, be honest with yourself about that. Whether it's this person or another, if this is what you really want, admit it to yourself.

To communicate as you go along.
Keep the lines of communication open and honest as you are in this dating and "having fun" situation. Listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself if this is acceptable to you at this time.

After a few months, you might want more. This is why continuing to talk is so important.

Again, we aren't suggesting that during the first weeks of dating, you corner this other person and try to get him or her to make a commitment to a relationship.

Yes, make agreements in the moment and make commitments that fit where you are.

We also recommend that if your dating partner is clearly against being in a relationship and you would like to keep that open as a future possibility, be honest.

When you say okay to no relationship, that is also an agreement.

If you are amenable to a "no relationship" agreement, be sure that you continue to check in with yourself as the two of you spend more and more time together.

Be clear about what just "having fun" means to each of you in terms of dating other people and sexual intimacy.

Dating and attracting a love relationship can be difficult to do. There are a lot of unknowns and many occasions for potential misunderstandings.

Keep the connection between you and you strong. Stay open and be honest about where you are and what you want. Above all, trust that you can have the kind of experience and relationships that you desire.

3 reasons why mindfulness meditation helps relationships

Here are 3 of the many reasons I give to them, with some examples we can all relate to.

Mindfulness meditation turns down the volume on stress. One of the most widely known benefits of meditation is reduced stress. "Stress" in this case doesn't mean that meditating will reduce the number of urgent e-mails in your inbox, but rather the reaction that your brain and your body have to what's going on inside you and around you. What I see in myself, and in the people with whom I work, is that the response to stressors is less intense, takes less time to recover from, and doesn't tend to linger on the sidelines. "Well, sure," you might say, "anybody can be relaxed right after meditating." What seems to happen, though, is that the effect of meditation on decreasing the stress response extends well beyond the meditation session itself, for more and more of the day as people develop a consistent practice.


Find a Therapist
When you're less stressed, your nervous system is less likely to overreact, less likely to be hypervigilant to potential "threats." You're less defensive, and better able to hear and respond to what's actually going on. As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, mindfulness leads people to be better at approaching stressful events as a challenge, rather than a threat.

Under threat, we're geared to quickly -- and without much thinking -- fight, flee, or freeze. With challenge, we see an increase in the brain's ability to pull ideas together and come up with informed, balanced solutions.

So what does this do for improving relationships? Imagine that your brain is stressed out over deadlines at work. You're already late for your date with your girlfriend. Your body, thanks to the brain's messages that things are dangerous, is tight, prepared to fight, flee, or freeze, and in a magnificent feedback loop, your brain gets the body's tightness as a message to keep on the lookout for trouble. You walk into the restaurant for your date, aware that you're late, and you see a look of annoyance on her face -- which your brain detects as an additional stressor-threat. Your girlfriend sees the body language of your stress even before you get to the table, and her fight/flight/flee response gets further ratcheted up. Add in the restaurant noise she's been sitting with, the problems she had finding a parking spot to meet you close to your office, and the fact that you're both hungry.

Now imagine that at least one of them practices mindfulness meditation regularly. At the very least, if all we're looking at is the benefit of overall decreased stress and an ability to recognize, let go of, and recover from stress more easily, we can see how much better the evening is going to be.

There's so much more to mindfulness meditation than stress reduction, though. Let's take a look at two other ways that mindfulness meditation gives your relationship a boost.

"Mind the Gap" sign2. Mind the Gap. Research on the effects of mindfulness meditation on the brain is increasingly showing that there is a beefing up (in activation and even in size) of the middle prefrontal cortex (mPFC). The mPFC is an area which neuroscientists believeplays in important role in integrating our higher, "intellectual" brain areas (for example, your frontal cortex) with those down below in our more raw, "emotional" areas (like your amygdala).

Having a more formidable mPFC allows your brain to bridge the gap, as it were, between your "thinking" and your "feeling" areas. Your brain can better integrate what's going on in your "emotional" brain areas and your "intellectual" brain areas.

Here's an example of relationship argument, with emotions and intellect banging into one another instead of being integrated -- as you read it, see how this plays out in each individual, as well as in the couple:

A wife comes home, somewhat exasperated after being out with a good friend, but one who can be self-involved at times. "She did it again!" she exclaims to her husband. "Jane managed to make the whole evening about her!" Afraid of losing a friend, and also tired, she begins to cry, bemoaning how hard it is to make friends, how alone she feels, and wondering what's wrong with her that she can't figure it out.

Her husband sees her distress and wants to scramble to respond, to help her "fix" the problem. So, he tells her, "First, you need to stop beating up on yourself. Jane's the problem, not you. I don't know why you stay friends with her, anyway; you're always upset after seeing her. Just go out and make some new friends who treat you better. Weren't you going to join that book club to meet new friends?"

She proceeds to lash out at her husband for being insensitive and overly intellectual, and accuses him of not caring. He's hurt and angry that his attempt to help her solve the problem has gotten her angry at him - again - and he responds by yelling at her "Of course I care!" and that she's too emotional and can't think straight enough to remember that.

Here, the wife came in the door with a flailing amygdala, almost pure, raw emotion. The husband responded with a rational frontal cortex, trying to help while also trying to avoid or staunch the emotions. The result is that they've completely missed each other.

=Imagine if they could integrate the two: Being tuned in to the emotions, but not overwhelmed by them; searching for a calmer, rational response, without losing sight of the emotions. That integration and connection is what mindfulness meditation helps cultivate and grow, quite literally, in the brain -- as well as between couples.

= "Minding the gap" -- shorthand for practicing mindfulness in order to bridge that gap between thinking and feeling -- helps protect you from the dangers of having either your emotions or your intellect become a runaway horse, dragging your partner and your relationship in the dirt behind you.

= "Getting" your partner better. As you practice mindfulness meditation, you're practicing, over and over again, the act of noticing when your mind has wandered off. (By the way, if you think your brain is too busy for you to meditate -- think again (pun intended) -- and take a look at this video explaining how a busy brain can actually make for more effective mindfulness practice.)

Being more aware of when your mind isn't "in the moment" lets you become more aware of what is going on in the moment. You get more attuned to what's going on inside you, instead of being on "autopilot" or in distracted-reactive mode. You also become more aware that even if you're feeling something in this moment, it'll feel a little different if you just sit with it a bit. Your emotions aren't bags of wet concrete sitting on your head (or in your heart); they're more like weather patterns moving through.

Getting to be more aware of your internal state allows you to be more attuned to yourself and your experiences -- allows you to have greater understanding and empathy for yourself. (If a baby is upset and crying, the caregiver needs to "tune in" and empathize in order to effectively understand what's going on, and how best to respond -- in effect, you're doing this for yourself when you practice mindfulness.)

As you increase your ability to be more attuned and more empathic with yourself, your capacity to be attuned and empathic with your partner increases as well.

The Woman Men Adore and Never Want to Leave

The Woman Men Adore and Never Want to Leave

What if you knew how to captivate a man, make him fall in love with you, and give you everything you desire? Sound too good to be true? It’s not.

You can understand men. You can win their hearts. The good news is, they want you to. Nearly every man I have talked with deeply wants to get married. He wants to adore you!

There are many reasons why women have relationship trouble, but the main reason is that women simply don't understand men. If a woman really understood men, she'd know how to effortlessly attract men like a magnet, make men powerless in her hands, have them treat her like a queen, and give her everything her heart desires.

The methods I’m about to share with you are based on real-life feedback from those who have tried my relationship advice and found that it produced a dramatic difference in their relationships with men.

Find the Man of Your Dreams

Get answers to your 4 biggest questions:

* Who is my dream man?
* How can I attract men like a magnet?
* How can I progress from dating to a marriage proposal in minimal time?
* Where are all the terrific eligible men?

If you're like most women, the process of finding your dream man might seem like a daunting task that requires lots of trial and error before you succeed.

Whenever you start dating someone new, you wonder, "Is he the one?" You hope he's the right guy so you invest a lot of time and effort in the relationship, only to see it come to an end -- usually with a broken heart or a lot of pain.

Believe me, I understand your dilemma because I've heard the same complaint countless times from female clients. Over the last 17 years of counseling I have carefully observed women who have been able to successfully find, attract and marry their dream man -- as well as women who have not been successful.

I made a very interesting discovery! (which I’ll share in depth in my e-book)

It doesn't have to be this way. Finding your dream man is easy -- if you know how. I've put together a proven plan that will save you years of anguish in your search.

This plan is based not only on real-life feedback from dozens of my female clients, but also from time-tested strategies and techniques I've developed over the years. When properly implemented, I assure you that finding and attracting your dream man is only a few weeks or months away.

By using this simple plan, you will be amazed how effortlessly you'll find an endless pool of ideal men who are custom-tailored for you-- and who are also most likely to be mutually attracted to you and want to marry you.

When To Say, "I Love You"

When To Say, "I Love You"

The keys to making it memorable...


The climax of just about every love story is that key moment when the object of affection looks longingly into the other’s eyes; their heart pounds so fast that it sends paralyzing jolts of euphoria throughout the body, and then they say those three little magic words… I love you. This scenario is maybe what we see in the movies, but it is also how we imagine it happening in real life. And, quite frankly how it really should be. Anything else is nothing short of a disappointment. So, how can you ensure that your first “I love yous” will play out like the scene you’ve always envisioned? Read on.

One of the most important things to know about saying I love you is that, from the receiver’s point of view, having someone tell you that they love you when the feelings aren’t reciprocated is a horrible feeling. All of a sudden, feelings of fear and a sense of obligation emerge. With this in mind, take the following advice to heart if you are the one saying the first, “I love you.” Even though being honest to yourself and others is of utmost importance, taking your partner’s feelings into consideration is an equally necessary component. We often tell ourselves we are experiencing true love when we feel lust, excitement and connection. In my opinion, time is the only sure way to decipher the true nature of your emotions.

It can often seem like we have a built in compulsion to fall or be in love. Sometimes I feel like I could, and do, fall in love every other week. For example, my latest love affair began with a long phone call and then four dates in one week. We both fell so hard for each other, that one day (during the second week), the words just slipped out of my mouth. He was so happy, he picked me up and twirled me around saying, “I love you too. I love you too.” The following month, we were on fire. Predictably, the month after was a little different. After spending every day together for a month, we got to know each other pretty well and there wasn’t anything left to talk about. Our dreams for the future were vastly different and as for our ideas of intellectually stimulating conversation, well…there weren’t any.

You have to see, most people hear those words when you’re telling them that you love them. It’s what they want to hear, so they do. Hearing those words when you don’t reciprocate the feeling SUCKS! If you aren’t sure that what you're feeling is mutual or immutable, wait. It’s worth it. Hold your tongue until you’re sure to have a “movie moment.” The more anticipation you can build up, the better your moment. Pushing for this key moment will only cheapen it.

Imagine yourself marrying this person and then, ten years down the road, you’re reminiscing. “Oh, honey, do you remember the first time I said ‘I love you’?” How do you want that memory to be? I think some people treat the words so casually, that they forget soon after, but there are some who will forever keep the memory because they prevented prematurely saying, “I love you.”

When Did You Say, "I Love You?"
How or when did you say your first I love yous? Did it go as well as you hoped?

Why Do Men Batter Women

Why Do Men Batter Women?

In this century when we all talk of exploring mars and reaching help to the deep corners of Africa, is it not only surprising and also shameful that some men batter their wives? Whatever we say, we cannot deny that women are getting battered. A syndrome has also been names after this - Battered Women syndrome. Why should men beat women? Let us look at this barbarism.

Frustration must be one of the reasons. Do men enjoy taking out their frustration of career failures and problems on women? Or they are sadists? If they do not like their woman, they should separate. How can they be allowed to beat women? That is reprehensible and barbaric. How can an educated man beat a woman? What drives him to do that? Is their any profile of such men who do this?

What if the woman is not meek and retaliates. There will be bloodshed. Why a beautiful relationship reaches such depths is beyond my imagination and thinking. How society allows this. Why such men are not boycotted from the society? What is the problem with such men that they batter their woman?

As men, we are protectors of women and not supposed to beat them. Why do we men do it? In a survey in India, it was found that a majority of men who beat women come from highly educated class. This is more shocking. These men keep a mask of good behavior in society and beat the woman in the confines of their home. Please let all men decide that come what may, they will never ever batter their woman. That is inhuman.


Where Should You Go On Your First Date?

Where Should You Go On Your First Date? Don’t you find the question often coming to your mind before you go on a date with someone for the first time? Always choose a public place for the first date so that both of you are comfortable enough. Go to a nice restaurant or go to the mall together for some shopping. Visit a fast food place or a coffee shop. Choose any place where you can carry on conversations. Don’t visit the movie theater coz both of you will watch the movie instead of chatting. Just choose any casual, non-formal place with lots of people around.

Advice For Women

Advice For Women

Every woman desires a man with whom she will live in love and bliss forever. For winning over the heart of their dream man, women need to know about what men expect from the relationship. Women also have to be more careful in dating and selecting their partner. This section gives clues and hints about how to win in the game of relationships, how to find out if he is Mr.Right and how to live with a man in harmony after marriage.


Let him pay if he wants too

Men will usually insist on paying the restaurant bill on the first date. Let them have the privilege of doing so. They feel good about it. They feel that it will impress you and make them look great. Let them feel happy doing so. If you are the independent kind of girl who believes in paying or going dutch, tell him politely that the next time you go on a date, the tab will be on you or both of you can share. He will happily agree. Have fun dating.

Are you a nice guy?

Are you a nice guy?

How would you describe yourself- a nice guy or adventurous, funny, alpha male? It is important to find out how people perceive you? What women think about you? Why am raising this issue- because it may matter a lot when you are asking a woman for a relationship with you. While talking, you may find that women say that they prefer a nice, home loving guy, but look around carefully. Think about which of your friends got a woman of their choice- was that friend known as a nice guy or something else? There may a subconscious appeal for adventurous guy in a woman. Or she may be looking for somebody more different- most popular guy, a sportsman, a funny guy, a strong man and so on.

Do not get blinded by what the woman you desire says.
Find out what she REALLY wants. That may be different than the description she gives.


Improve Your Relationships

Relationships are complex things, but following these basics will help you make your relationships healthy and strong.

When in doubt, listen first and check to see if you have understood the other person by asking them questions. Often relationships go awry when people feel they aren’t being heard or understood and sometimes it’s important just to listen. You have to know what they want, not what you think is good for them. Listening is what helps us to find connection with each other. This also means you need to tell others what you really feel, think, and want. You can’t feel connected if you don’t voice these things.

Communicate simply when it is most critical that they hear you. Get clear in your own mind what kind of outcome you would like and try to state it in the most simple and specific terms. You will more likely be understood the more clear you can be, and often that means fewer words, not more. Sometimes repetition is necessary in getting through to someone what is really important to you.

Always show respect. Respect means listening, accepting a no when you are given one, not taking them for granted, being honest in your dealings with them, and not criticizing often or discouraging them. It is also important that you do not try to control others, and just as important that you show respect to yourself and ask that they treat you the same or be willing to walk away.

To know when it isn’t a healthy relationship. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean you should be in a relationship with them at this time. They should be good for you, not addicted to anything, not controlling or abusive in any way, and make you feel secure and happy. It is not possible to make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t care about you, or who abuses a substance or you, so don’t try.

Seek to be good for others and don’t tear them down. People like to be with those who make them feel good and who are good for them. Lighten up and have fun together and your relationship will grow.

Five Great Ways To Feng Shui Your Bed

Five Great Ways To Feng Shui Your Bed

We all know how much better we feel after a good night’s sleep.
Review this article and bookmark it so that you can forward it along to your friends and family when they are looking to create a Feng Shui appropriate bed.

1. Let The Chi Circulate: An appropriate bed should have legs , ideally on each corner, elevating it above the floor. This allows the air and chi to circulate beneath it, assisting with the healing nature of rest. This simple act of enabling the chi to circulate under the bed can help with fertility and also health issues.
Removing all items from under the bed also helps the chi to circulate. If you need that space for storage – perhaps because you live in a small apartment with few closets – you can store linens and clothing in well-organized boxes or a trundle drawer.
Avoid storing weapons, sharp objects or anything metal underneath the bed.
When you place the bed in the room, it should be positioned so that the chi can flow around both sides.
This article explains the command position, which is the ideal location for a bed.

2. Bigger is not always better: A Queen bed is recommended over a King or California King size bed for two reasons. A King size bed leaves no room for upgrading. Since you’ve already reached the maximum level, the only way to move is downward, so your next bed might be to move to a single bed. .

Additionally, a King size mattress typically rests on two box springs, which can suggest a separation between partners who sleep in the bed together.

3. Get A Proper Headboard: A headboard in Feng Shui represents protection. It not only provides the possibility of a relationship, it also affects the stability in an existing relationship. The headboard should be firmly affixed to the bed frame and made of one solid piece of material, either wood or fabric. Avoid rods or headboards that split in the middle. ??
Footboard: Footboards aren’t necessary. Men typically don’t like footboards; some say it feels like being in a coffin. If you do wish to have a footboard, it should be no higher than the mattress. A taller footboard can limit your travel opportunities.

4. Sleeping in a permanent bed: Murphy beds, futons and day beds provide a temporary feeling, and therefore are recommended only for use in guest rooms.
A four-poster bed should fit within the space. I’ve seen many beds that really require a much larger space than what they have. Canopy beds are fine –again, space permitting. They may provide an added sense of protection for some. Keep the top of the canopy clean; don’t allow it to become a dust magnet.

5. Higher price does not relate to better Feng Shui: The price of the bed is not always a reflection of good Feng Shui. One of my clients recently purchased a $20,000 bed, only to discover it provided very poor Feng Shui and could be a contributing factor in a troubled relationship.
In other words, separate the price from the Feng Shui value of a bed. Purchase a bed that is comfortable and feels right to you. Regardless of cost, your bed should help you achieve your goal of a quality, restful night’s sleep, where you awake feeling refreshed and renewed.