Communication Tips for...

Communication Tips for Apologizing After a "Bad" Argument

Have you ever stepped over a line in your relationship and wanted to make up for what happened?

Have you ever had someone apologize to you, but you could tell it was not a sincere apology?

Have you ever truly wanted to make amends for upset with your partner but didn't know how to begin?

We've all been there.
We've probably all been in a position where we've hurt someone we care about and want to make amends and start re-connecting.

And we've all probably been in a position in which we've been hurt by another person and the apology we were given just didn't seem heart-felt.

When you have an argument, disagreement or some other point of conflict with your partner, what you might want most of all is to put whatever happened behind you and begin to move closer together again.

And during an argument, particularly a "bad" one, it could very well be that you were in both positions-- the one who feels hurt by your partner and the one who said or did things that caused pain.

Making an apology needs to be very mindful and conscious in order for you and your mate to be able to truly let go of whatever happened and turn toward one another and reconnect.

Jackie has a temper. She is the first one to admit it too. She knows that when her buttons have been pushed, those around her better watch out!

True, she often regrets the harsh words she says when she is angry. But she also often also feels justified in what she says.

Jackie's husband, Aaron, has learned to steer clear of Jackie for awhile after he's done something he thinks might make her mad. He has been on the receiving end of more than one of her tirades and does not enjoy it.

But when Jackie ripped into Aaron a couple of days ago about a decision he made regarding their daughter, Aaron was not only surprised but also indignant.

Aaron resents Jackie judging him so unfairly when he was merely doing his best to parent. It was a difficult situation and he doesn't think Jackie would have made that different a decision herself!

Aaron has been avoiding Jackie since her outburst of a couple of days ago.
He knows that at some point they need to talk, but at this moment he can't think of anything nice to say.

Shift within yourself before making an apology.
If you feel like you need to make an apology after an argument or other disconnection between you and your mate, take a little bit of time to go within first.

Sometimes when there is apparent distance in a relationship, people will say or do things that they aren't genuinely feeling just to bridge that disconnection and make things "ok" again.

See if you can make a shift within yourself before you take any action at all.

Making a shift might mean that you re-affirm to yourself what is most important to you about this situation. It could be that you were so caught up in being "right," you lost sight of how vital coming together with your partner to face a difficult situation is.

Jackie doesn't like to be so mean and angry with Aaron. In the days after her big blow-up, Jackie has started to see how righteous she gets-- especially when it comes to their kids.

She acknowledges that she doesn't often give Aaron credit for doing a great job as a father.

Now Jackie is feeling regret about the argument even as she is still resistant to admitting her over-reaction.

When you think about making an apology, don't take more or less than your share of responsibility for what happened.

You can express how difficult it is for you to say "I'm sorry," as you let your partner know that you regret what happened. In fact, you can apologize and own up to your habits-- even those that involve needing to be right.

Be honest. This will let your mate know that your apology is coming from the heart.

Look for ways to re-connect.
Jackie is able to apologize to Aaron for her part in their recent argument. She admits to her need to be right when it comes to parenting and she acknowledges that she doesn't often give Aaron respect for the parenting he does.

Jackie says to him, "I am sorry that I was so hard on you about the decision you made about our daughter. This is hard for me to say because I realize how invested I am in
being the parent who has it together and is right. The way you chose to handle the situation was different than what I'd do but I now see that it wasn't necessarily the wrong way to go about it."

After you apologize from the heart, talk with your partner about how the two of you can re-connect. There might be specific actions your partner would like. There could also
be things you would like to do.

To follow through on what you two decide and keep checking in with one another.

As difficult as apologies can be, they are essential to having a close relationship. Find the clarity and courage within yourself to give and receive apologies with an open heart.

3 Ways to Keep Passion Alive and Sparking

3 Ways to Keep Passion Alive and Sparking in Your Relationship

In a recent edition of the comic strip "9 Chickweed Lane," a couple who are in a long-term relationship together are talking-- well, the man in the relationship is talking. He is ruminating about how after a certain period of time together, it is to be expected that passion will fade somewhat.

He goes on to say that it is "natural that one could expect little more in the relationship that will take one's breath away..."

This might be how you feel as well. After all, if you get along congenially and work as a team to run your home, finances and family, what more can you expect from your mate or your relationship?

It may seem to you that it is natural for those butterflies in the stomach and tingling in the toes moments of passion and spark to decline or die away.

We can't disagree with this expectation more!

And, so it seems, the female in the couple of the "9 Chickweed Lane" comic is in agreement with us.

As her partner reasons that nothing more in their relationship could take his breath away, she merely replies, "Oh really?" as she nudges the strap of her dress off her shoulder.

This playful and enticing response from the woman evokes a tongue- tied, breath-taking reaction from the man. The couple walk off together embracing, the man still obviously knocked off his feet.

You might be amused or even a little annoyed at the message of this comic strip. Perhaps it seems to you that the level of passion and excitement in a relationship is bound to diminish as "real life" takes over.

With bills to pay, kids to bathe and feed and a seemingly unending list of demands for your attention and energy, the last thing on your mind might be passion.

Or it could be that you really would like to feel those giddy sensations of new love and romance again-- or at least experience them from time to time but it just isn't happening.

We believe that no matter how long a couple has been together and regardless of their life circumstances, passionate connecting can occur. There is enough time and energy for spark-- but only if you open up to it.

The first step toward re-igniting the spark in your relationship is to give yourself permission to make this a priority.

We aren't suggesting that you stay in bed with your mate making love everyday and neglect your family, home and career.

We do recommend that you make room in your possibly crowded mind and life for intimacy and passion. Once you've offered your attention in a positive way to what you want, it is easier to take actions that will bring it into being.

3 ways to keep passion alive.

1. Never assume...
The assumptions can be a huge damper on your relationship's spark. No matter how predictable you think your partner is or how accustomed you are to certain ways of interacting and living, stop yourself.

Rather than jump to conclusions about what your partner says, does or what you think he or she wants, open up and ask first.

A sense of excitement can happen when you begin to see your mate not as this person "I've lived with forever," but instead as an ever-changing human being who is just waiting to be discovered and appreciated anew each and every day.

It might be as simple as asking where your mate would like to eat dinner for a date instead of heading for your usual restaurant. Or it could be more intimate, such as how (and where) your partner desires to make love that night.
Take on an openness and curiosity about your love and find out rather than assume.

2. Keep communicating connectingly...
We can't emphasize enough how vital it is that you and your partner communicate in ways that bring you closer together.

It is nearly impossible to keep relationship spark ignited and strong when two people are communicating in ways that are confusing and disconnecting.

You and your partner might need to identify (without blame) the communication habits that simply aren't serving your relationship. Be on the lookout for resources and examples that can help you learn how to speak to one another differently.

It is this foundation that can foster and allow a renewed sense of passion and aliveness between you two.

3. Feed your own soul...
As you desire more spark in your love relationship or marriage you might realize that your overall feeling about your life right now is rather dull and even lifeless. It could seem that you drone on through your routine without much pep and passion, if any.

The state of being can surely spill over into your relationship. And, thankfully, this state of being can be temporary.

You can give yourself the gift of fully living your life. You can discover what feeds your soul and then keep doing those things, living in those ways.

The gift of renewed aliveness and zest for life can most certainly spill over into your relationship.

As you and your partner support one another and celebrate the soul-enriching strides each are taking, you can move closer together and enjoy greater passion than ever before.

Dating Tips

Dating Tips for Finding Your Perfect Match

Countless dating sites online promise to help you find your perfect match. The one you can spend the rest of your life with.

The idea behind these dating services is usually that you fill out a questionnaire and complete a profile with information about yourself-- your preferences, dislikes, and other such information.

The company will then review your information and pair you up with potential dates.

We're not opposed to the idea of using a dating service or website to meet dates and potential partners in most cases.
However, encourage you to rely mainly on your own perceptions and feelings as you attract a date who might turn out to be your long-time mate.

Have you ever been in a social setting or even a business meeting and found yourself drawn to a particular person? Let's say you are single and wanting to be in a relationship but you just haven't found the "right" person yet.

This man or woman whom you are drawn to seems completely wrong for you though!

Maybe he or she doesn't look the way you always thought your partner would look. Or perhaps this person has mannerisms, overt habits, a job, lifestyle, etc that do not appear to be a good match for you and what you've always thought you wanted.

And so, despite your attraction to this person, you close the door and turn your attentions elsewhere.

A recent Dilbert comic strip gave the reader a fly-on-the-wall view of the lead character Dilbert on a date. The woman with whom Dilbert is about to share a meal demands that he hand over his cell phone because, she explains, "I judge potential mates by their cell phone apps..."

After having a look through Dilbert's cell phone, the woman promptly ends the date and leaves the table because she discovers that there is an application that does nothing but hurl pirate insults-- she deems this "stupid."

Stay Open
In a comedic way, Dilbert creator Scott Adams helps us illustrate our point. When you make a snap decision about another person, you might just be missing out on a wonderful partner for yourself.

Perhaps it is for the best that Dilbert's companion stopped their date right then and there. It could very well have been for the best- - if her preferences for a partner are as limited and rigid as they seemed from her comment.

By all means we encourage you to be clear about what you want in a love relationship. Dream and envision the kind of person you'd like to spend time with.

Create in your mind a vivid image of you and your love enjoying one another and sharing the kind of closeness and connection you are looking for.

And then relax about it all.

Stay open and don't be so attached to the way you think your date should look, act or be. Don't dismiss a person whom you are attracted to simply because he or she doesn't seem to fit the images you have in your mind.

When judging or doubting thoughts come up for you because, for example, you don't find the cell phone apps this person has funny or practical, take a moment and pause.

There are certainly occasions when the choices a potential date makes are in violation of your deeply held values. Consider whether your impulse to turn away from this other person is about your deeply held values or not.

You might discover that this different and seemingly "weird" aspect of this person helps you expand and grow in positive ways.

Who wouldn't want to laugh more, for instance, because of a goofy cell phone app?

To stay Present
Too often in life many of us leave the present moment and jump ahead in our minds. We might space out as we're talking with another as we plan a "to do" list. We might be wondering where the evening will end up-- will there be a passionate kiss (or more) at the end of this date?

The trouble with planning ahead or wondering how it's all going to end up is you miss what's going on right now!

If you're really enjoying yourself with your date but you go off in your mind worrying or even dreaming about how quickly you might get serious and be in a committed relationship with this person you are losing out on the fun and enjoyment of the present moment.

When you find yourself jumping ahead and fixating on the future, stop right there. Take a deep breath and consciously bring yourself back to this moment.

Really listen to what the other person is saying. Listen internally to how you are feeling about what he or she is saying and doing. Be present and attentive.

As helpful as it might be to know from a questionnaire or service that the chemistry is "right" between you and another person, the most accurate and powerful indicator is from within.

If you aren't accustomed to tuning in to your own inner wisdom and guidance, learn how to do so.

Take your interactions with a potential date or a possible partner one moment at a time.

Stay open and present and enjoy yourself along the way.