Do You Need To Be Loved? Or, Love To Be Needed

Do You Need To Be Loved? Or, Love To Be Needed

I want to:
I'm sure you have heard couple's of all ages say to each other "I love you."
You would probably like hearing it said to you, if it's not already. Sometimes when one person says "I love you" to another person, the response is "me too." I find that an absurd response. What does it mean? That I love me too? A more appropriate response would be "I love you too" and even that isn't terribly poignant. It's kind of like someone asking "how are you" and you say "fine." It's automatic and somewhat meaningless. If someone significant in your life says to you "I love you" a good response is "to hear you say that makes me feel wonderful" or "I believe you and when I hear you say that I feel so good."

What makes matters worse is that our culture uses the word "love" extremely loosely.
We love that movie and we love that car and we love that restaurant and we love that song and we love that book and we love that place and we love that pair of jeans or that shirt or that dress or those pair of shoes......We're just so filled with love!! And yet we have the arrogance to think that we can actually make love! Love, like money, is not made, it is earned. The only place that makes money is the United States Mint. Everyone else earns it (or steals it which requires some effort, so it's working for it).

We really only have that one word to convey something which is more than a feeling; love is more like a state of being - as in "being in love." You can tell a spouse that you care for them, trust them, respect them, need them, want them...you could even tell them you would do anything for them, even die for them, and they won't perk up until you say you love them. It's as if the word "love" is a drug and unless we hear that word spoken to us, we continue to crave it. Nothing else will do. Traditionally, there are three types of love: Eros which is erotic love, Phileos which is brotherly love and Agape which is spiritual love. In modern America, all we have is love. And, although the popular Beatles song "all you need is love" may be true, we need to uplift love from its mundane, overused, misunderstood place in our culture to a recognition of its true stature.

Too often, when a person says "I love you" what they really want to hear in response is the same thing. They are actually saying "I want to hear you say you love me so I'm going to say I love you." And then you are supposed to say "I love you too." Or, the ridiculous "me too." The phrase "I love you" though, is generally not true. It would be more honest to say "I like you a lot" or "I feel very compatible with you" or "I feel very comfortable with you." However, a much more honest replacement statement for "I love you" is "I need you." Of course, that doesn't go over as well as "I love you." Yet, it's much more truthful. Our need to belong, to be connected, to be intimate is very strong. What we often love in the other person is that they are satisfying a need of ours to be connected to another person. Our need to be connected motivates a great deal of our late adolescent and adult behavior.

However, the satisfaction of that need to be connected is not necessarily love. Love is, by definition, unconditional positive acceptance of any person at any time under any condition who might be exhibiting any behavior. And, as a people, we're not very good at that. We may not approve of the behavior; however, to love is to accept the person, without judgment, criticism or complaint. Although we can talk about "tough love" it might be better to call it "tough caring" as love is not tough - or rough. Nor is it bitter sweet. To quote I Corinthians (13:4-8a) "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
So, the question then arises, when we hear all these couples say "I love you" what's really being said? The answer, I believe, is "I need you to need me." And, there should be no shame or guilt or embarrassment in needing.
Everybody needs others. No one likes being alone. We can deteriorate mentally and emotionally when alone in much the same way the body withers away without food. We need companionship, friendship, partners, colleagues and acquaintances. We need to belong, to be part of and contained within something larger than our individual self. We often mistakenly think that by hearing someone say to us "I love you" that all our needs for belonging and connectedness are met. They are not. This can become evident after several years of a relationship or a marriage when one or both parties find themselves needing more than the relationship can offer. Then, thinking another relationship will provide the satisfaction sought, we find ourselves entering another relationship only to find several years down the road that this new relationship by itself too does not satisfy the belonging needs.

If in fact we need to be loved, that need will be satisfied through belonging. We can belong to, and participate in, a family, a company, a community, a society and even global endeavors.
By belonging and participating we will grow to feel loved by others (in the brotherly love sense of the word) and the need to be loved will be satisfied. If in fact we love to be needed, then we can have what we love through the very same activities as those that satisfied our need to be loved.
For by participating in family, community, professional, social and global endeavors, we become a needed part of the larger whole. Participation in activities larger than our individual self satisfies our need to be needed by others.

The answer to the question that is the title of this article is both. We need both to be loved and we love to be needed - we need to be needed. Being needed makes us feel that we belong. Belonging makes us feel loved. We can achieve both by the single path of participation in something larger than our individual self.
Whether it's family, work, community volunteer work, social activism or a little bit of each, we can find our need to be loved and our love to be needed satisfied.
From that satisfaction, we can begin to love others. We can even share that satisfaction with a significant other making our primary relationship based on belonging needs that are already at least in part satisfied rather than placing the entire burden of that satisfaction on the relationship itself. The kind of primary relationship can last a very long time and does contribute to happiness.

Do You Continue Creating Emotionally Unavailable Lovers

Do You Continue Creating Emotionally Unavailable Lovers

I want to:
To create the one who is emotionally unavailable. What can I do to change that"? This is a question that came from one of my clients. Coincidentally, that was the strongest negative vibration I had from my lengthy string of failed relationships. They were either emotionally unavailable, lived far away or traveled all the time.

When you keep creating unavailable lovers, my question to you is, "Is something in you that is afraid to commit, or finds it difficult to be truly open in a love relationship"? That may be difficult to accept right now, but that is what I have found to be the case in most cases.

As a relationship life coach, I provide Relationship Life Coaching for Women. I also recommend that you get extremely clear about what you desire. Get clear by making a list of the qualities you want in your perfect match.

You create the list for yourself so you can get clarity concerning what it is you truly want. You'll start to see where any weaknesses are in yourself as you make the list. You'll see where you need to go to strengthen your level of creation or belief in the likelihood of creating what you are desiring. Seek assistance from a life coach today.

To bring out the state of feeling happy expectancy, continue by asking yourself the question "Why do I desire this"? It is time to use your imagination. When you answer this question, imagine all the wonderful things you will do together. Think of smiling, holding hands, and introducing him to your girlfriends. Envision what it'll be like to be with someone who is romantic and loves to bring you flowers.

You make the list for yourself, and the Universe recognizes your clear vibration – the undiluted intention and unresisted desire!

Most of us have been told from childhood to accept whatever you receive, it is not polite to ask for anything, why can you not just be happy with what you have? - kind of like brainwashing. I suggest you ask for it all and keep feeling yourself into the alignment of your affirmations.

Creating A New Paradyme

Creating A New Paradyme

Every person and organization is being challenged to face whatever issues they have not addressed. This is necessary in order to move forward and raise our consciousness.
Can you imagine trying to climb a high mountain with a very heavy pack on your back? When we do this, we make it very difficult to come into a new awareness of who we truly are and how we can fulfill our life purpose.

We create struggle when we don’t clear old patterns of thinking and behavior. Even if we have the desire to move forward, we can’t because we are weighted down by old beliefs and habits. Changing our external environment by changing our jobs, where we live or our partners will not bring the change we desire. What we need to do is change the beliefs and values we hold internally. This inner work requires self examination and getting rid of what no longer serves us.

Everything is speeding up literally as higher dimensional frequencies bombard this planet. This influx of energy means we can advance quickly but it also means that we can no longer avoid confronting old beliefs or ways of doing things. Whatever is holding us back from reaching a new level of conscious understanding will show up as challenges in our lives now. So I encourage everyone to look through your life and see if the beliefs, relationships and habits that you hold dear are still meaningful for you. If they are not, then let go of them. Nature abhors a vacuum. Within a short while, new friends and opportunities will come into your life. All you need to do is be open to receiving.

Every one of us has an opportunity to create the future we want now as manifestation is occurring almost instantly due to these higher frequencies. So we need to ask ourselves “What would we like our future to look like?” Do we want to continue with the pattern of male dominance which has been prominent on this planet for thousands of years? We see male dominance in our religions, politics, government and economics worldwide.

If you fail to believe that we have been living in a male dominated world, ask yourself “How many women in the world are in positions of power in politics, industry, and religion?” While women have climbed the corporate ladder in recent years, they still have to work harder and receive less pay for the same work. No matter how good they are at their job, the “old boys” network still rules the roost and they don’t want to give up their power. Do you think we would have so much aggression and war on this planet if women were running the show?

Do we want to have peace on this planet because the male solution to conflict is often aggression and war? Do we want to have equality between people or do we want to continue in the old way where we think of ourselves as better than others? Do we want every person on this planet to have enough food to eat and medical attention or do we want to hoard what we have rather than share? Do we want to continue to acquire more and more material belongings or do we want to value each other for who we are rather than what we own? Do we want to play a greater part in decision making or do we want to give our power away and be left feeling disempowered and angry?

These are important questions for us to consider both personally and globally. If we don’t think about these concerns and consciously try to visualize change, we may very well destroy ourselves. Now is the time to act. We can’t rely on others to make change happen. All change starts within the heart of each and every one of us. We need to change our attitudes and how we do things if we are ever going to have peace in our hearts and on this planet.

I strongly believe it is time to approach life from a more feminine heart centered perspective. I do not mean that women should now dominate men as men have dominated woman for thousands of years. What I am suggesting is a balanced approach to life. I feel that this is one of the changes that needs to take place as we approach 2012. Right now it is the job of women around the world to make their voices heard and to bring love into everything we do.

A love has traditionally been associated with the feminine. Love has enormous power to transform anything and everything. Women have not lost that ability or power; they just haven’t been expressing it as much as they should. So change requires that every woman stand up and own their power to be love and to love..

Each one of us through our conscious intentions and power of love can bring about change. Even if change occurs slowly and in small amounts, eventually it all adds up and global transformation will occur.

Here are some things we can all do. As we go about our daily interactions with each other, we need to be heart centered. We need to be paying to attention to how we feel and what our bodies want in the present moment. To do this, take a deep breath wherever you are and ask yourself how you feeling right now so you respond from your heart rather than from old programming.

We need to pay attention to whether our intentions and actions are self serving or do they benefit others? We need to be sensitive to the needs of others. We must speak our truth to each other including our political representatives. Don’t sit back and let someone else do it or think “What good will it do?” Don’t be lazy. This is your future you are creating.

Join together with like minded people because this way you will feel supported and you won’t have to do it alone. When people do things or behave in a way you don’t like or that is hurtful, say so and suggest an alternative behavior.

If you are short of money, ask yourself “What can I offer or do in exchange in order to receive what I want?” Traditionally, people living in tribal societies did everything by exchange as the creation of money as a means of payment is fairly recent in the history of the world. This leaves each person feeling like they have something valuable to contribute.

Remember to say I love to the people around you everyday. When you go shopping think of money as love and realize how your spending is helping someone else. Money is just a form of energy exchange after all. Unfortunately throughout history, we have used money to control others and make them feel less than in order to feel powerful.

The more we love ourselves and each other, the quicker we will create a new paradigm. A world filled with love not hate, a place where we will be respectful of each other and not try to dominate others for our own benefit. Where we will be concerned about the welfare of those less fortunate wherever they may live. The more love we express the more love we will receive because that is the law of attraction at work.

Five Tactics to Make Her Fall in Love With You

Five Tactics to Make Her Fall in Love With You.

How to Make it Happen at Last

Getting all that hyped up to realize that you're in love with someone and then instantly feeling all that weight of worry not knowing if she feels the same is almost unbearable.
The paranoia haunts us everyday and we just want to get rid of the feeling right away, without even doing something first! That's one of the biggest problems with us men, we're just too scared to get rejected that we'd rather not do anything at all. That's one total bad move if you ask me. So try to see everything in a different light from now on. Below are the five tactics to finally make her fall in love with you, and saying goodbye to all those miserable days of yours forever!

1. Don't be too available. Getting attracted to someone is overwhelming and the urge to say yes to her every whim is almost inevitable. Well, there's no greater time to suppress it but now.
When you become too available for someone, you start to become too predictable and boring, not to mention desperate for attention. That's a major turn off so start giving high value to yourself to get her intrigued.

2. Learn to flirt. Flirting is definitely a big plus if you want to get noticed by the ladies.
When you know how to flirt (and having a great time while doing so as well) you become more comfortable with yourself making you look attractive and appealing.
So get on and maintain eye contact with that hot babe across the room.

3. Compliment her. When you got all lucky and have started to have an interesting conversation with a girl, go right ahead and tell her she's pretty (or she's hot, if you really want to have the temperature rising). Compliments usually hit a woman's soft spot big time that she will surely see you as someone very memorable.

4. Keep her guessing. Intrigue her. Make her curious about you, what else can you actually do to keep her interested? Be enigmatic, mysterious and laidback. Don't tell her everything about you right away, it will kill the thrill and spontaneity. Give in to impulses once in a while. Spur-of-the-moment stuff are always the best.

5. Be confident. Of course, you can never really get near a single female if you don't have the confidence. First thing to do to be one, forget fear of rejection. That messes a lot of things up in an instant. Just give in to it, charge it to experience and always remember to have a good time. That's the bottom line of it all anyway. So enjoy!

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Are you still having trouble uncovering the secrets to make your woman orgasm or other tactics to make her fall in love with you?
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Discover more tips and techniques on how to be sensual and arousing to women by visiting my website right now.
It holds all amazing methods on how to do it all! You're one click away from all the excitement.

Techniques to Turn Your Best Friend Into Your Girlfriend

Techniques to Turn Your Best Friend Into Your Girlfriend

Thinking of ways to turn your best friend into your girlfriend may have gotten you a migraine by now, thinking of just confessing your feelings is enough to drive you mad, what more is there when you actually make her more than your friend?
To be totally frank about it, this feat is not something you should stress so much about.
Falling for a friend is normal, you need not condemn yourself for feeling that way.
Instead of feeling all down and miserable about this sudden "curse" established to you, try to be a little optimistic now, for a change. Below are the top five techniques to turn your best friend into your girlfriend, sooner than you expect it!

= Stop acting as "just a friend". Make her feel that you want to be more than just friends, without confessing your feelings just yet.
Be a bit more flirty, possessive and protective of her. Tell her she's pretty, be a bit romantic, she will definitely start to see you in a different light.

= Don't be too available 24/7. Make her miss you! And from there, she'll be thinking more of you, its one way of making her fall all over for you --- without too much of an effort on your side. Disappear for a while, don't return her calls, tell her you're busy, whatever it takes to make her wonder what you're up to.

= Flatter her out of the blue. Get her off guard, women all tend to love a bit of a surprise every once in a while. Hold her hand, hold her close, tell her you're falling for you, on the time when she least expects it. Don't be scared, give in to your impulses and be spontaneous.

= Send her something nice. Don't just stick to the basic like roses and chocolates. Try a something new. Know the things she likes and get the idea from there. Make a little twist with it and show your side of being creative, something that she will definitely like and remind her of you.

= Try holding her hand. When all things fail (if she doesn't seem to get your message or can't tell you're actually flirting), look her in the eye and hold her hand. Do it for a good three seconds then let go, that's enough to ride her nuts, and a great chance to make her fall for you.

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A Human Without Love Is Not a Human Being

A Human Without Love Is Not a Human Being

A human without love is not a human being.
To live without loving is merely existing, it is a robots life.
To be truly alive, to live, to feel, one must have someone to love.

Love must be given to someone who can receive it for the lover to feel love.
If love is given to one who cannot accept it, then it burns even more painful than if there where no love to begin.

Without love, the riches of life are worthless. As a diamond buried deep in the ground goes unnoticed of its beauty, so does any gift in life that goes unshared.
Joy comes from giving to one you love. A gift, a thought, a precious feeling, all are valued the same.

To accept love is as important as to give it. If you cannot receive, you cannot truly give.
Accepting love is the same as giving, for love is not a thing that can be placed in a box.

Love is life.
Life does not discriminate, deteriorate, or diminish the more it is given, rather it flourishes, and love is the same.

Find someone to love, a companion, the homeless, the needy, the lonely. Find love in all places, give love to one who needs if you do not have one at home. You must love if you want to live.

Only through loving can you find Truth.

Then when you are so in love with Truth, will you love all beings, and the love shall flow endlessly from you and to you, and you shall be well fed and content.

After a Breakup

After a Breakup: 6 Secrets to Getting Women Back in the Game

Most people know that unexplored emotional baggage carried over from a prior relationship often immediately sabotage even the best of new love interests. The problem is that most people don’t know how to leave it behind, get clear, and move forward--so we get right back into the same crappy relationship that we just got out of.

1. The Embrace change
Start by embracing change. Inevitably, the good, bad, and in-between times of relationships are made up of experiences that change your world. The reason men and women bounce between relationship failures is a result of an inability to embrace change. Maybe they’ll come back? Maybe they are just not ready? The situation doesn’t matter. Life is different now. Life will be different in the future. It is a good thing. Embrace it. Every second spend dwelling in the “what ifs'” of the past are moments not experienced in your spectacular new life. Life is always more thoroughly enjoyed from front seat of the locomotive than standing in the caboose. Find a way to face forward.

2. The Purge
Initiate change in simple ways. Start by rearranging your furniture and cleaning the clutter. Switch out some old picture frames. Find a new shower curtain. Look for a shiny new coffee maker. Even subtle shifts can make you feel more alive. The true root of past relationship discontent and resentment is actually not from your ex’s hours on the couch watching football, but from the stagnation that it represents. Changing things up will give a feeling of movement and growth. Even more, it will give you a clean home to come back to if emotional fireworks erupt on your dinner date with your new prospective partner.

Then on to your closet. Everything that has not been warn in the last 6 months goes in the donation pile. Bringing a friend who supports you is always a good idea. The process is much easier with a good girlfriend to set you straight when you start to get sentimental about the dress worn on your first date with the guy who left you 6 months ago... Trust me, there is a woman at Goodwill right now just waiting to give it a whirl on another first date. Get rid of it. Physical liberation results in mental liberation. Let your past self make room for who you’ve become.

Streamline your finances. Take the time and go online and find a site that allows you to pay all your bills in one place at one time. Envelopes and stamps are a pain in the ass anyway. Knowing exactly where you stand financially makes you appear empowered rather than needy. Especially in today’s economy, guys are looking for a financial partner, not a financial liability.

3. The Check In
Get clear on what happened in the last relationship that caused it to fail. This process is not at all about blaming yourself or your partner; it’s about education. If you were too overbearing or pushed too hard for commitment, take note and ease up a bit on the next guy. No problem. No blame. Men find an independent woman sexy--as long as they still want a man from time to time.

When the last guy had issues he needed to deal with, leave it at that. It’s much like my favorite Seinfeld episode where George goes into a fit when his girlfriend turns the tables and exits the relationship with the standard male exit strategy, “It’s not about you. It’s me” For men, this is often times actually true. It takes us a little longer to make sense of emotionally charged situations and sometimes retreat is the only way we know to make sense of it all. Let it go and move on. It is his loss. 9 out of 10 guys who say it’s over really mean it’s over. Then if he actually comes back after retreat, he’ll have to grovel back to a whole new woman who knows exactly what she wants.

4. The Declare & Have Faith
Then Declare your desires to the Universe. They can be spoken aloud, or just in your own head. The important part is just putting them out there.

Focus in detail on what you want. His laugh. The way he looks at you from across the room. The smell of his cologne. Then imagine how great it will feel to finally share the love that you’ve always wanted, forget about it, and go about your day.

Think of all the things you want in a man for a few minutes each day and then trust that your intention will be fulfilled. Modern men are drawn to women who know what they want and have the conviction to make it a reality. Knowing what you want doesn’t make you a bitch, it makes you rich with self love. Often misinterpreted; desire, faith, and persistence are the backbone to any successful match. Without them, you are at the mercy of the wants and desires of everyone else, whose desires obviously may not be the same as yours. There is nothing wrong with taking control of your destiny. In fact, it is the only way.

5. Opposites Attract, then Always Re-tract
Ever met a guy who seemed mysterious and attractive because his occupation or hobbies were the extreme opposite of yours? His intriguing conversation about things you’ve never discussed before made you feel alive and left you wanting more? You realized you are complete opposites in every way, but can’t help but want to feel the romanticism of Jerry Maguire as he whispered to Rene Zellweger.

Complete bullshit.
Relationships built around opposite lifestyles burn bright and burn fast, yet leave everyone in the darkness before long.
I realize there is about .001% of the population who have actually found a way to make an ‘opposite attraction’ last the test of time, however, for the rest of use rookies in love, it is a disaster waiting to happen.
Men do not change. So be sure that his life as a traveling comedian is something that you can endure even after you’ve memorized all of his punch lines.
Focus on what really matters to you and leave the intrigue of an opposite lifestyle in the friendship zone.

6. Reverse the Curse of the Sexes
It has long been argued that the problem between men and women can be summarized by the following statements,
Women get involved with men with the subconscious understanding that their man will change over time...
Men get involved with women with the subconscious understanding that their woman won’t ever change...
And in the end, both sides are left disappointed.
Why?
It is because we all try to be something that we are not in the courting phase and then slide into ‘who we really are’ over time. Why not just stop the charade and get real?

As a generalization, I have observed that in the relationship arena, most women are fueled by emotion, driven by love, and exalted by romance.
While generally men on the other hand, are fueled by a physical urge, driven by lust, and exalted by a beer and roll in the hay.
Yet, just because we seem to want different things, in the end it is all about feeling loved.

So...just love.
It’s not that simple you say?

Sure it is. If you are honest and forthright about who you are, where you are going, and what you expect from a relationship, what can go wrong? No games. No lies. No waiting five days before returning a phone call. Just be real. Modern movies and media have glamorized a ‘player’ type approach to relationships that is part of the reason half of us end up in divorce court. It is not working. Stop the games and get back to the simple desire of every human being...to love and be loved.

The worst case scenario is that you will find out sooner than later that it won’t work and move on. What’s wrong with that?

Declare your desire in love, have faith, be real, and if what you see isn’t what you want, move on and love yourself enough to hold out for the real thing.

Always Stay In Love

Always Stay In Love

New Love is exciting, fun and just comes easy, it seems to flow.
After the new wares off and couples settle into the relationship they begin to go about life.
What they fail to understand is being in love can always stay through out the relationship and last.

Do not compete with each other. This will only cause the attraction and love to take a back seat.

Be Humble…under each other (submission). This does not mean to be a doormat. It is an expression of your Appreciation and admiration for each other.

Always make each other more important than yourself…always remember how important you were to each other in the beginning. Note! Your partners’ interests were always interesting and important to you. This does not mean you sacrifice self esteem.

Always serve one another, give your support and time to each other.

Listen more than you talk, gives a feeling of respect and that your partner is important to you.

Make each other feel important and number one in your life. Always take time for each other.

Play together. Enjoying each other is so important. Do not always take life so serious. Being able to play together will always take away from the stress of life.

Keep your individuality, makes for a happy you and your partner will always find you interesting, keep growing individually and as a couple.

Appreciate each others differences, learn from each other and always try your best.

Another "New" Year

Another "New" Year

It feels like I've blown too many to get another one. Still, here it is … a brand new year.
Somebody knows what he's doing because, after all these years, I'm getting better at life, getting better at love.
And here I am trying to share what I have learned from falling down and getting up again.

What comes to mind:
1. Life is good. I am good, but no better than anybody else -- no worse, either.
2. We are intended to get better … and better and better, more and more aligned with our essence, or love, or God. They are all the same.
3. We were not intended to get it right the first time. That would mean we had nothing to learn.
4. It's OK not to accomplish everything on my list for the day or the year, as long as my effort wasn't halfhearted.
5. When my effort is halfhearted, I need to revisit the worthiness of the task at hand.
6. I can't love anybody else better than I love myself. I get to love me -- really well -- without feeling guilty.
7. The only way to be happy is to be true to myself. The only way to be unhappy is to be untrue to myself. And it's easy to trace any discontent back to a deviation from my truth.
8. It's as important to forgive myself as it is to forgive anybody else. And when I have forgiven me, I have done the hard part.
9. The people we are closest to are most apt to push our buttons, but they are still OUR buttons. And only we can heal what hurts beneath them.
10. Our friends are the ones who show us how to expand on who we are now in order to become more of who we (SET ITAL) really (END ITAL) are.
11. When we see behind the pain and anger in our enemies, we have no enemies, only friends.
12. We learn more by doing than by watching. And when we sit on the sidelines, there is a good chance that we are afraid to fail.
12. There is NO fear in love. And fear is the ONLY thing that keeps us from being all we can be.
13. Love is everything good; it is also an art. When we practice doing good, we practice love. We get better at it … better and better and better.
14. When we don't practice love, we get better at fear -- and ego and anger and resentment and blame and defensiveness and justification and complacency.
15. No matter how many times we fall down, and no matter how far we fall, we can always, always, always get up again.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us," said Ralph Waldo Emerson.
So, as you stand up tall and take a deep breath to begin another new year, remember who you are. I am not talking about your name or what you do for a living. And, no, I'm not talking about degrees or net worth or past accomplishments. Remember what lies within.
Your essence is love. And you have another chance to live up to it … and it's not over until you do. There is no failing.

Are you “Abandoning” yourself in your relationships?

Are you “Abandoning” yourself in your relationships?

Often I see couples or hear the sadness of friends who commonly complain about their mates and wish for a paradigm shift. I hear them echo “If they can only be this way” or “If they were more like that.” When I pose the question: ” Why are you in the relationship?”, the answers vary but they are quite revealing. It turns out that the quality or behavior they are seeking from their partner fills an unmet need in them.

For example, one client was distraught that his girlfriend would not return his call or text until several hours had elapsed. He felt “unimportant” and “disrespected”. He feared that she was secretly seeing another employee at work and was frightened of losing her. I had asked him, “From the menu of choices, why did he choose to pick the most painful and threatening scenario?”. Needless to say, he had no clear evidence to support his fear. Then why gravitate to the worst possible outcome?

The girlfriend, in fact, was working on a big project which required her to be in the physical presence of upper management most of her day and she was unable to communicate with the freedom that she had before. After this discovery he felt relieved yet ashamed for his mis-creation of thought. We later discovered that his need to stay in constant communication with not only his girlfriend, but most of his inner circle friends was to “feel safe” and “free” from confronting his painful history of abandonment. It turns out that his mother was an alcoholic and would leave him in the care of a neighbor or relatives for weeks at a time as she traveled with the numerous boyfriends she meet during his childhood. This left him feeling isolated and unloved.

In order to be in a relationship with him, his girlfriend and friends had to meet the following conditions : “Be there when I need you and Don’t leave me. “If they met his need to feel safe, wanted and free from the feelings of exclusion, then he could remain secure in a relationship with them. Historically any friend or lover who failed to provide this “safety net” would find themselves in a quick divorce from the relationship . Consequently, he often found himself alone and constantly searching for the next slave to his insecurities. This pattern of self destructive behavior continued until he was finally willing to look at an alternative way of viewing his life and his need to participate in co dependent relationships.

Through the practice of self love and parenting his “inner child”. he learned to recognize that he was safe and secure within his own life and could never be left by anyone but himself. His relationship with his girlfriend , now fiance, is now unconditional, more loving. more honest, less manipulative, and much more joyous.

The case study shows that until one is willing to look internally and fulfill their “needs” independently of “another” , codependency will emerge as the driving motivation for any relationship. Until one is willing to dig deep and redefine their fears as lessons and learn to care for themselves emotionally, one will search endlessly for a “business partner” to placate and ultimately perpetuate those very fears. These fears, uncontrolled, will lead to that which is most feared: Being left alone!

The Waltz of Love

The Waltz of Love

The waltz of love: One of the most incredible experiences in life

What an emotionally exciting time, probably one of the most wonderful times in your life. When you eventually fall in love with the person who you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with you actually develop an unconscious emotional attraction to that person called love. You have finally met your match, as the saying goes. Something clicks.

There is a process you go through during the early days of the relationship. After all, you are two complete individuals with completely different backgrounds, different lives. When you first meet this person you make a mental conscious decision to just begin to open up your life to this person.

The balancing act takes place, two individuals at the opposite end of the fulcrum of love trying to decide the steps that need to take place so that both can walk the fulcrum without losing balance. You first decide to kiss, make out, etc. etc. etc. You have to walk tenderly so that you do not lose your balance.

The ultimate balancing act is eventually getting to the point in the relationship where you open your self up to sex. Thanks to the sexual revolution ushered in by the development of the pill dating involves all of the activities of a relationship. When this occurs the door to the soul really begins to open up. The emotional bond of love really takes on a new meaning.

The goal is to meet in the middle, to come together, to fall in love.

The waltz of love is a most wonderful song. It is pleasurable. The birds sing it every day. It is in the smell of the flowers. The sunset. All things are wonderful. Two kids back in the playpen of love, only now as adults. It is happiness personified. When it works.

The other way of looking at this process is that at first you are two independent small circles that represent the soul of your individual lives. When you finally do meet in the middle the circles meet and begin forming a larger single circle where both souls are combined. You and your partner decide together how fast and how far you are going to combine the circles. It is as if you have a trap door to your soul that you open up. The feelings of the unconscious start rushing into consciousness.

Relationships that end do so because one of the two decide to quit opening the circle any further because of the fear of getting hurt. There is one emotion that balances the emotion of love and that is the emotion of vulnerability, which is a fear of getting hurt. Getting to the point where you consciously think about marriage happens when you conquer this fear.

The objective of dating is to determine if you want to open up yourself to the vulnerability associated with loving someone. This has become a bar that is being raised every year, particularly with all of the examples of divorce that society has shown us.

The professional daters also know the waltz of love very well. They live by it. Only they know not to let it go on too long because they also know the other side of the waltz very well, the vulnerability side. We have a new class of adults in today’s society who have had very unfortunate experiences in past relationships where a wall has been built between the unconscious and the conscious, a wall of vulnerability that is impossible to get over.

The goal is to get over the wall.

Our psyches experience thoughts and feelings and when you start spending time with this new love you start combining your thoughts and feelings with your partners. You laugh at the good times together. You talk together about your thoughts and feelings. The circles come together.

What is the most interesting during this time of the relationship is that you disprove one of the most fundamental misunderstandings of our psyche that men don’t feel. The sarcastic term used to describe a man with feelings is that he has found his “feminine side”. The implication with this term is that a man with feelings must be feminine. A man is not supposed to feel. After all, good boys don’t cry.

The psychological teachings describe an unconscious character trait called the anima that exists in the psyche of the man that is man’s vision of his idea of the perfect woman. And the fundamental element behind this character trait is that it is based on feelings. This character trait isn’t simply thoughts. A man doesn’t simply think this woman has blue eyes, he is attracted to the blue eyes, or that this woman works as a marketing rep at a large pharmaceutical company but that he is proud of her successful career.

A man feels for a woman, has feelings for a woman. This fact is in the most basic writings. And during the early part of the relationship the man shows these feelings. He buys flowers, compliments her on her looks, and develops an emotional bond for her that is called the feeling of love.

Men in negative relationships simply suppress the feeling of love, put it back upstairs in the attic of the unconscious, hoping that it may come back out someday and play again. Men do feel. Women do think. Men also think. Women also feel.

You eventually get to the point in the relationship where you have overcome the obstacle of vulnerability and realize that he or she is it. You are in love and want to spend the rest of your life with this one person. You have that extra step in your walk. What a joyful time!

Then he asks her to marry him, she cries and says yes; romantic love at its finest. A humorous question is then asked by everyone else who both people know when they say “do you really only want to sleep with this one person for the rest of your life”?

Make resolutions you can keep

Make resolutions you can keep

It was the same way last year and the year before. This year can be different.
Here are some strategies to increase the likelihood that you will stick with your desired goals.
New Year's Resolutions are very important. They challenge us to grow as people. One of the reasons why many people do not have what they want in live is because they neglect to set goals for themselves.

If you catch yourself resisting your resolutions perhaps you need to ask yourself "Why?" Often it comes down to a fear of the unknown.
If this is the case, focus on the consequences of not changing your habits and the advantages of your new behaviors. In other words, create a list of the pros and cons. You must also learn how to reframe physical and mental discomfort.
Whenever you stop certain habits, you will experience a physical and mental reaction. Someone who is stopping the habit of smoking should reframe nicotine withdrawal as a sign that her body is cleansing itself of the nicotine. This will go a lot further than if she says, "I'm dying for a cigarette." Beat war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors and let every New Year find you a better man as Benjamin Franklin
You must be willing to make sacrifices. You may be disappointed if you do not succeed but you are destined towards frustration if you do not even try.
The main reason for setting goals is to challenge you to become the person it takes to achieve them.
For example, instead of resolving to have a better relationship, resolve to have a great relationship.
Do not let the fear of failure keep you from trying or trying again. Your strength lies in your perseverance. If you are stuck, ask for help. If you feel tempted to fall back into your old habits, then have an alternative in mind. For example, when you feel like smoking, go for a walk instead. Do not allow how you feel at the moment to determine if you will follow through with your resolution.

The Greek philosopher, Pythagoras said, "You should always choose the way that seems the best, however rough it may be."
Research shows that of the people who successfully achieve their New Year's Resolutions, only 40 percent of them do so on the first attempt. The rest made several attempts but their persistence led them to success. Keep these things in mind as you strive towards your resolutions.
Make a strong commitment – "I will do whatever it takes!
State your goal aloud every morning. Say it as if it were already true. "I make a positive impact on my community." "I earn (x amount of dollars) per year." "My children tell me I'm a Great Dad/Mom.
Trust your instincts. In order to be happy you must be true to yourself.
Do not try to please everyone.

Visualize yourself as already achieving your goals. See yourself enjoying the benefits of your efforts and dedication.
Do not reflect too much on your decisions or you may miss out on your opportunity to succeed.
Write down your resolutions.
Write them down in a positive language. "I have unshakeable peace of mind" is better than "I need to stop losing my temper so much at work." Life will always present you with obstacles that will interfere with you fulfilling your dreams. There will never be the perfect time to pursue your resolutions. When you see someone who is successful, it has come about as the result of a resolution. Resolve to "Do It Now!"Your goals are achievable. Make an unwavering commitment towards your goals.
Believe in Yourself.

Mr and Mrs Rights

Mr and Mrs Rights : building a Relationship that's right

The courtship process is crucial. It gives you and your partner an opportunity to sort out if you are suitable for each other. A couple of questions you can use to decide if a potential partner is right for you are:

a) Would I want to have a child with this person?
b) Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if they never changed from the way they are now?

Choosing the right partner needs to center around finding a person with good character.
Beauty fades and a charming personality won’t pay the bills. As a rule of thumb, don’t date anyone you know you wouldn’t want to marry because you never know whom you’ll fall in love with.
Scarlet O’Hara, in Gone with the Wind said, “I can’t think about that now. I’ll go crazy if I do. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” It’s this kind of thinking that gets you into all sorts of trouble. Pay attention to your instincts.

Warning!! Where there is smoke, there is usually fire. Here are some of the common things to watch out for:
= Someone who wants everything now.
= A fiery temper.
= Being too picky.
= Your family doesn’t like him or her.
= Wanting someone to take care of them.
= They mistreat other people.
= They are not over a past love.
= Any kind of “holic”.
= People who are mentally and/or emotionally unavailable.
= Someone who holds grudges.
= They don’t listen.
= They don’t call to say they are running late.
= They have an “it doesn’t matter” attitude.
= One wants children and the other doesn’t.
= Incompatible spiritual beliefs.

Some couples, if any, are completely united when the marriage vows are spoken. The real union develops in the work of the years to come. When a man and woman marry, they become One. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Couples need to learn how to make room for their differences and to allow them to peacefully co-exist. When a couple is strongly connected, all problems become manageable. When a couple isn’t connected, the smallest challenges seem insurmountable.
If you wait until you are ready for marriage, you never will be. Marriage is on the job training.

Things I Appreciate About You

Things I Appreciate About You

A husband and wife recently celebrated twenty-one years of marriage. Still deeply in love, the wife has been battling episodes of depression and it hasn’t been easy. For several months now, she hasn’t felt like her old self. Desperately searching for ways to feel clear, happy, and healthy again, she’s tried all of the standard medical remedies with debatable benefit.

Deep down, every husband wants to make his wife feel good. But nothing he had said or did seemed to help break the mental-emotional fog that had descended on his lovely wife. To celebrate their anniversary, the couple met for drinks at their favorite restaurant. The conversation and the date started poorly. He could tell she wasn’t going to be herself again. Saddened and slightly frustrated at what seemed to be a missed opportunity for a joyful anniversary celebration, the man was at a loss for how to save the evening and deeply reconnect with the woman he loves. Then, in a flash of inspiration, the husband said, “Honey, I love you so much and I am so grateful and lucky to be your partner. I am going to share with you twenty-one things I appreciate about you to represent the twenty-one years we’ve been married.” Then he began to share.

As he stated each appreciation, he reflected on all of the joys and trials, the funny and the mundane life experiences that two people collect together over twenty-one years. “I appreciate what a wonderful friend you are to me and how you always help me see the big picture.” “I appreciate that even back when we were dating how you made me feel like I can accomplish anything and you still do.” “I appreciate how you’ve cooked such nurturing meals for the family over the years.” “I appreciate what a fantastic lover you are.”

By the fifth item, the husband began to weep in utter awe and appreciation for this beautiful, magnificent woman in his life. As he shared each item, she at first felt shy and slightly embarrassed. She laughed and tried to sweep away the love and praise. But as he continued, something deep and profound opened up in her and cut through the fog. The wife began to cry too. Crying and laughing together, they caused quite a scene in the restaurant and it didn’t matter one bit. The more the husband shared, the more he cried tears of joy. The more she took in, the more she felt filled up.

By the twenty-first sincere appreciation, there was a palpable feeling of love and care filling the entire restaurant. Overflowing with a feeling of buoyancy, support, and love, she felt like she hadn’t felt in a long, long time. The husband felt open, caring, and protective. They left the restaurant and well, since there may be kids reading this, you’ll have to just guess at the passion the couple unleashed back at home.

After I heard this story, I felt inspired to share my own twenty-one things I deeply appreciate about my love too. We already have an active appreciation practice where each night before bed, we lie together and reflect on our day and what we appreciated about it. It’s a wonderful bonding ritual. But last night, instead of doing our usual practice, I gazed into her eyes and told her the twenty-one things I appreciate about her. To my surprise, as I kept sharing, she started to cry with joy. I could see her and feel her fill up with love. Man, it feels really good to make the one you care about feel that loved and appreciated. If you want to make the ones you care about overflow with feelings of love and support and buoyancy, look into their eyes, say, “I love you. I want to share twenty-one things that I deeply appreciate about you,” Try it tonight.