Relationship Advice-2

Relationship Advice:
"Help! I'm Trapped In a Relationship I Don't Want to Be In!"

When you and your partner seem to be wanting the absolute opposite things in life, what do you do?

When it feels like you and your mate are constantly at odds and conflict abounds, is it automatically time to leave the relationship?

What if it seems clear to you that this relationship is not what you want and this person you are with is not the same one you fell in love with years ago but you can't seem to end the relationship?

There are many situations that can develop in the course of a love relationship or marriage where the degree of dissatisfaction and unhappiness are so intense you are inwardly pulled to make a drastic change and possibly leave the relationship.

The only problem is....you feel trapped. Walking away from your partner or making a significant change, for whatever reason, appear to be blocked options.

It could be that you and your partner have children together and you are unwilling to put them through what you think would be the trauma of a divorce or breakup between their parents.

It might also be that for financial reasons, leaving this relationship appears to be
impossible. You might feel trapped because, due to insecurities or other beliefs, you are under the impression that this is your only chance at love.

There are plenty of reasons why you might feel trapped in your current unhappy relationship. We aren't going try to list them all off or address them individually.

What we will do is offer you advice so that you can get unstuck and stop feeling trapped where you are.

Phil can't remember the last time he and Sherrie had a pleasant conversation together. All they seem to do lately is bicker and fight-- and it's been this way for quite awhile.

The main source of conflict between Phil and Sherrie stems from her desire to get married and have children with him. Phil feels like he has always made it clear to Sherrie that he does not believe in marriage and does not want to be a father.

Sherrie, on the other hand, thought that Phil's anti-marriage position was due to his young age when they began dating. At that time, it made sense to both of them not to marry or start a family.

Sherrie assumed that Phil left the door open for both of these when he got
older. Unfortunately, this has not proved to be the case. Phil is just as staunchly anti-marriage and anti-fatherhood as he was when they first met. And now Sherrie feels that she will not be happy unless she a married mother.

Both Sherrie and Phil feel trapped in this situation and their relationship. They love each other very much but neither is happy with the direction the other wants to go.

What is your priority?
If you feel like you have no choices in your relationship, it can be helpful to take a step back and look at your priorities.

Move away from assumptions about what you think your partner wants-- or even from what he or she is saying. Focus in on what you want most at this time.

Set aside all of the reasons why you feel trapped and any factors that you believe might be standing in your way.

For the moment, get very clear about what your priority is. It might be more than one thing. The essential exercise for you is to know what is most important to you.

When Sherrie reaches into herself to discover what her priority is, she realizes that she wants to be a mother. She would prefer to be married and she would like to stay with Phil. But, ultimately, Sherrie wants to experience motherhood in her lifetime.

It is bittersweet for Sherrie to hone in on this priority. She does not want to lose Phil. In fact, she worries that she'll never find another man who makes her laugh and feel beautiful the way he does (or the way he used to).

At the same time, it is undeniable to Sherrie that having a baby is most important. She still feels trapped and in an impossible 'either/or' situation. But it is some relief to no longer be so confused and indecisive.

Communicate with openness and confidence.
Take that feeling of clarity and honesty and combine it with openness as you communicate with your partner. If you can feel less trapped as you identify that you do have options and your priorities are important, that will help immensely.

We do not advise you to set an ultimatum before your partner. If you are truly ready to end the relationship, then make it plain that this is your intention and the reasons why.

If you would like to see if you and your mate can find a way for both of you to have your needs met while staying together, communicate that intention to him or her. Talk about what you have realized about your own priorities and desires and then listen to what your partner has to say.

You might find that you two aren't as diametrically opposed on this particular topic as you thought you were. Or, you could see that you are absolutely not in agreement about this issue; but it might be something that you two choose to stay together and work on.

Do whatever you can to learn from one another and create space for connections to happen while maintaining your own priorities.

After Sherrie shares with Phil her priority to have a baby, he re-emphasizes that he does not ever want to be a parent. He tells her how sad he is that their plans are so conflicting because he does love her deeply.

Sherrie and Phil ultimately decide to break up. This is a difficult and painful decision to make, but one that also offers a sense of relief to both. They feel like they can continue to support one another as friends as they continue in different life directions.

Whether you stay together or end your relationship, you and your partner will hopefully realize that you are not trapped in any situation. There are always choices-- even if they seem small or insignificant at first.

Remind yourself that you do have the power to choose your next step in life. And remember that you can choose to open up and try to find the places where your and your partner's wishes possibly overlap.

Stop Putting Your Needs Last

Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship or Marriage


Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?

It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.

In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.

It's absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.

You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.

A trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship. You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.

This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.

You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.

Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.

You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you. After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.

This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.

Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.

Stay in touch and aware of what you want.
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.

When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.

Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.

You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.

Have the courage and patience to stay open.
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."

Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.

Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.

Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.

If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent. Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process.

Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree

Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree" with Your Partner and Stay
Connected?

You and someone you care deeply about just don't see eye to eye about a particular issue. You may debate with one another and even argue in favor of your perspective, but to no avail.

You and this special someone in your life finally decide to "agree to disagree" about this topic.

It's usually far easier to "agree to disagree" with an extended family member, a friend or a co-worker.
After all, quite often you don't live with these people and there is some amount of distance between you that makes this kind of a pseudo-resolution work.

But when you and your partner in a love relationship or marriage have reached the point that neither of you is willing to budge and the only thing you can do is "agree to disagree," disconnection can result.

While it's true you cannot force your mate to believe that your perspective is better and it's inadvisable to simply go along with your partner's plan to "keep the peace," you do need to find a way to communicate about this tricky topic and keep your connection strong.

With an open heart and a willingness to listen, you may find that you and your partner don't have to see eye to eye about everything and you can still stay close.

Though their son is only 14, Joe wants to begin teaching him how to drive-- starting out in parking lots or on rural roads.

Brandy is staunchly against this idea. She's read the statistics of how many teen boys get into car accidents and she would rather their son wait until he's 18 to drive, not 14.

Brandy is willing to consider driving lessons for their son when he's 16, but not a day
sooner!

After going round and round about this, Joe and Brandy have decided to "agree to disagree." The problem is, Joe is beginning to think that he and their son will have to sneak these driving lessons that Joe feels strongly about if they're ever going to happen.

Get to the heart of the matter.
Whatever it is that you and your partner have "agreed to disagree" about, take some time to get a deeper look at the issue for you. If you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to dig in your heels, it is probably a hot button issue for you!

When you think about this topic, what are your dominant thoughts and feelings? Does this situation remind you of anything that happened in your past?

You might want to write down the observations you make about your thoughts, feelings and recalled memories. These can help you get a better grasp of the dimensions of this issue.

When Brandy takes a deeper look at the question of their son learning to drive at the age of 14, she feels a preponderance of fear. She is fearful about her son getting hurt or hurting others accidentally.

She also realizes that she is fearful and sad about her son getting older and more independent.

Brandy can now see that a part of her wants to delay his growing up as much as she can. While she feels a bit embarrassed by this realization, it is helps Brandy get clearer about her position on the matter.

Don't make it about winning or losing.
Sometimes when a couple gets stuck in a disagreement, one or both of them is attached to the idea of "winning" the discussion. Although this might not be the conscious thought, it is the compulsion all the same.

Inwardly and honestly reflect on your motivations. If you are wanting to "win" about this disagreement, acknowledge that to yourself.

Simply admitting that you are feeling competitive, defensive or prideful can help you to ease up. You can then begin to re-focus on the actual issue at hand.

If one or both of you is feeling powerless in some way in your relationship, you might feel compelled to "win." Ask yourself what you need in order to feel more powerful and then set aside a separate time when you can make requests of your partner that can help you.

It might also be that you don't feel powerful in your life in general. See what changes you can make in how you view yourself, your abilities and your life in order to make a shift and improve how you are feeling.

Open up to better understand.
Keep yourself as open as you can when you are communicating with your mate about this topic upon which you two have "agreed to disagree."

This will probably require you to do the inner work we've suggested above so that when you talk about the issue, you are really able to hone in on it.

Joe has realized that "winning" with Brandy-- especially about this topic-- is very important to him. Joe feels like Brandy has lead the way in parenting their children over the years and he'd like to step up and take control in this area.

Remembering the special times he had with his father when he learned how to drive as a teen, Joe wants to create new memories with his own son.

When Joe and Brandy sit down again, they are both feeling less intense about each of their "sides" and they can stay open to truly listen to one another. They feel more confident that they can come up with a resolution and decision that both of them can feel good about.

As you listen to understand your partner and how he or she feels about this particular topic, you won't necessarily come away with a changed mind-- neither will your mate.

What can be different is that you and your partner will each feel listened to and probably better understood. You might realize that what your mate is asking for or suggesting is an idea that has some merit after all.

From this point of feeling heard and better understood, the two of you can make choices while also moving closer together.

Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice,
When Your Partner Wants "More" and You're Not Sure

Let's say that you have been dating a particular person for a period of time and the relationship has been fun, interesting, passionate and overall quite enjoyable. But now your partner wants more.

He or she has commented to you that it's time to take your relationship to the "next level." Frankly, this suggestion strikes fear and torment in you!

You really care about your partner-- you might even love him or her-- but you don't want to make a change or go to any "next level."

The dynamic can result in a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, hurt feelings and distance. You might see your partner as ruining a good thing by asking for more. Your partner may feel like you are dragging your feet and resisting a deeper commitment.

It might seem that the two of you are very far apart when it comes to what you want for the future of your relationship. And it may even appear that you two have to make a radical decision that could even mean breaking up.

Is it possible for two people who seem to want such different things to remain in a healthy and satisfying relationship? Will one of you have to give in and let go of what you truly desire in order to stay together?

This is a difficult-- and common-- relationship challenge. And these questions can be equally difficult to resolve.

Take heart if you are in such a relationship dilemma. Other people have faced these questions and apparent disagreements and have figured out how to stay together. You can too if that's what you decide to do.

It is possible for your relationship to weather this kind of obstacle as well. In fact, you might find that you two end up closer than before.

Get clear about what you do want.
When you feel triggered and confused because your partner seems to desire a change that you are not so sure about, it's time for some clarity.

Our first suggestion to you is to stop jumping to conclusions about what this suggestion will mean-- or even about what your partner might be thinking.

Focus in on what you can know for sure; this is what you DO want.

Ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship with this person. Think about the agreements that you two might have made so far and feel into yourself to see if those still feel acceptable to you.

What are the changes you might like to make in your relationship? Please note that we are not asking what changes you'd like your partner to make. What would you like to be different in your relationship?

This can include your own behaviors and habits as well as the way you and your partner interact and communicate.

How do you feel about this person? Be certain to acknowledge all of your feelings and also what you appreciate.

Get clearer about what your partner wants.
If you want to stay in this relationship, you probably want there to be a healthy connection between the two of you. You probably want this disagreement about taking your relationship to the "next level" to be resolved in a way that pleases you both.

Other step toward such a resolution is to be clearer about what your partner wants.

When your partner asks for "more" or to move your relationship to the "next level," this might mean something completely different than what you guess it means.

Is he or she talking about getting married? Moving in together? Creating a drawer or space in the bathroom of his or her house for a few of your personal belongings?

It could mean any or none of these things.

Communicate your questions in a way that promotes openness. For example, you might say: "When you tell me that you want more from our relationship, what does that mean to you? Can you tell me more about what you want?"

Your partner could then give you some specific ideas of what he or she is talking about. Feel free to ask for time to think about what has been requested.

When you ask for time you can choose words that will encourage connection.

For instance, you could reply: "I appreciate you giving me more information about what you want. I care very much about you and our relationship and I will respond to what you are asking. Can we sit down together tomorrow evening after I've had a
chance to process and think more about what you've said?"

Instead of making assumptions and reacting out of fear, irritation or resistance, get a fuller picture of what you want and what your partner wants. From there, you can more easily see the overlap between what you both desire and choose your next direction from there.

If this type of change still feels overwhelming to you, you can ask your partner to take it one decision at a time. There are almost always options that allow you both to feel satisfied while keeping your connection close.