Often I see couples or hear the sadness of friends who commonly complain about their mates and wish for a paradigm shift. I hear them echo “If they can only be this way” or “If they were more like that.” When I pose the question: ” Why are you in the relationship?”, the answers vary but they are quite revealing. It turns out that the quality or behavior they are seeking from their partner fills an unmet need in them.
For example, one client was distraught that his girlfriend would not return his call or text until several hours had elapsed. He felt “unimportant” and “disrespected”. He feared that she was secretly seeing another employee at work and was frightened of losing her. I had asked him, “From the menu of choices, why did he choose to pick the most painful and threatening scenario?”. Needless to say, he had no clear evidence to support his fear. Then why gravitate to the worst possible outcome?
The girlfriend, in fact, was working on a big project which required her to be in the physical presence of upper management most of her day and she was unable to communicate with the freedom that she had before. After this discovery he felt relieved yet ashamed for his mis-creation of thought. We later discovered that his need to stay in constant communication with not only his girlfriend, but most of his inner circle friends was to “feel safe” and “free” from confronting his painful history of abandonment. It turns out that his mother was an alcoholic and would leave him in the care of a neighbor or relatives for weeks at a time as she traveled with the numerous boyfriends she meet during his childhood. This left him feeling isolated and unloved.
In order to be in a relationship with him, his girlfriend and friends had to meet the following conditions : “Be there when I need you and Don’t leave me. “If they met his need to feel safe, wanted and free from the feelings of exclusion, then he could remain secure in a relationship with them. Historically any friend or lover who failed to provide this “safety net” would find themselves in a quick divorce from the relationship . Consequently, he often found himself alone and constantly searching for the next slave to his insecurities. This pattern of self destructive behavior continued until he was finally willing to look at an alternative way of viewing his life and his need to participate in co dependent relationships.
Through the practice of self love and parenting his “inner child”. he learned to recognize that he was safe and secure within his own life and could never be left by anyone but himself. His relationship with his girlfriend , now fiance, is now unconditional, more loving. more honest, less manipulative, and much more joyous.
The case study shows that until one is willing to look internally and fulfill their “needs” independently of “another” , codependency will emerge as the driving motivation for any relationship. Until one is willing to dig deep and redefine their fears as lessons and learn to care for themselves emotionally, one will search endlessly for a “business partner” to placate and ultimately perpetuate those very fears. These fears, uncontrolled, will lead to that which is most feared: Being left alone!
